“I honestly don’t know…”

My head shook as I tried to answer that one simple question one of my best friends asked.

After my world, my belief, my visions were shook to the core it is not easy to know what I want to find in a man anymore.

So her simple “What kind of man are you looking for?” caught me off guard. One that I can’t answer straight off the bats.

© Photographer Eduardkraft | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Should she asked me that a decade ago or so I would simply whip it out and lay down my list of ‘that ideal guy’ on the table with a passion.

Back then, I was a young naïve girl with a vision of what the perfect love is – or so I thought – but I knew what I wanted.

Fast forward to my nearly 33 years of living, after being a mother and a divorcee, things has changed…shifted.

When I looked back at my young naïve self, I saw how much she tend to see the world through that rose tinted glasses. A fantasy world she built came crumbling when the reality is not as sweet as her dreams. Of how easy she handed her heart out…to the wrong kind of guys.

Now, the things that didn’t even matter in my youngster years somehow made it to the list. Little things that young me failed to recognize are now becoming factors.

Mentally I no longer kept a list of my ‘perfect man’ as there is no such thing as a perfect man just like there’s no perfect girl out there.

What I envision now is someone who is not afraid of my past, who can understand where I’m coming from. Someone who knows that there will be moments where ghosts from my past emerged and scared me but I know I will win and cast them away for good. Above all, just like any other single moms out there…I see someone who can accept this little person that will be part of his life too. That is very important for me!

To love me is to love my boy too…

A tall order, I know.

But that’s just how it will be and I know he’s is out there.

So yeah, when I meet him I will know.

Are you a single mom/dad? Do you find your ‘list’ of that ideal man/woman changed after your divorce?

“Breathe…” I nudge myself gently “And let it flow…”

My world is slowly shifting in a way that I didn’t see coming. It’s been slow and steadily changing.

Of course my first reactions were to secure and double check the fortress I build surrounding myself. Just to make sure that I’m safe within.

But as I plan to fall in love with myself this year, I decided to take that leap of faith and opened up a window. Yes, still a window…but it was enough for now as I got to look outside the thick cold walls.

What I see makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me forget that I suppose to ‘toughen it up’ for a little while.

Then I began to share my stories. My pain, my battles, my demons. Stories untold just flow out like a broken dam, they were unfiltered, overflowing. It was raw and honest and as real as the tears shed behind every words.

Just like a pro, I would push it away. Try to scare it away when I feel it was getting way too close for comfort. With every brick that was crushed by its persistence, I quickly jumped and try to mold a new one. But the force is steadily coming. Gently…softly…

These bricks are starting to crumble on its own. Yes, it scares the hell out of me but the breeze of fresh air brushing up caressing my face and my soul feels so good after all these times. The warmth of the sun kissing my skin feels so right. For once I can shed my mask and be who I really am.

Maybe it’s true…

It’s like we are painting. We picked what colors to chose. Patience will be required as we put different colors, different strokes, different shapes on the empty new blank canvas. And when the time comes, we could take a few steps back to marvel at how painting with faith can morph into something beautiful.

So, I’m going to paint…painting with faith.

This is my Stream of Consciousnesses with the awesome All.Things.Fadra.

Today I’m over at World Moms Blog talking about To Miniskirt or Not.

The piece was inspired by the latest incident here in Tangerang city where I live. A police, reprimand a girl for wearing short. 

Please do come and show me some love over there and let’s get into the discussion about the whole stigma of what a girl should be wearing or not and how we can teach our children to be respectful to others no matter what they chose to wear.

See ya!

I’ve probably heard this one song somewhere along the way before, it’s not like its new or anything. But for some reasons this song SPEAKS to me today.

I sat down and listen…

Really listen…

Eyes closed…

And let the words filled my mind, my heart, my soul…over and over again

These words grabbed my core and shook it hard as if giving it the much needed wake-up call.

Just a day or two after New Year’s Day I had a small conversation with one of my best friend. We talked about what we’re up to and she asked what my plans are for the brand spanking New Year.

“I want to fall in love with me…”

Even I shocked myself with the words I typed.

As it sinks in, I realize I’ve been such a bitch to my own self and enough is enough. I’m not as terrible as I think I am. No, I’m far from perfect – heck, no one is perfect! But if I keep beating myself up, keep talking myself down I will ended up believing all the bullshits I feed my soul.

So I’m claiming me this year.

It’s not easy.

But I’m trying…

I am breaking away from my old chains.

Fighting to break the old self destructions spells of “You are not worthy…” and the likes.

♥♥♥

I’m linking up with Just Be Enough and Memories Captured (genius brainchild of Alison & Galit in-case you haven’t heard!) this week. Head over there to get inspired by words and pictures.

PS: This post was inspired by Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway. Watch the video on YouTube.

Now that Christmas has passed and life resume to normal, our kids maybe still busy playing/enjoying their Christmas presents. But did you know that there are kids who are not as fortunate as ours? I’m talking about the orphanage children here in Indonesia.

I stumble on Give Jewelry and my heart melts, instantly.

BRACELETS WITH PURPOSE

Give Jewelry is a sustainable movement to provide food for children in orphanages throughout Indonesia. The vision is simple: every bracelet purchased directly benefits kids in need. So no matter what type of bracelet you choose: friendship bracelets, charm bracelet, leather bracelet, beaded bracelet, cuff bracelets  or any of their other bracelets, you’re really choosing to make a difference.

Knowing by purchasing one bracelet you can actually provide a one whole meal for a child is a tremendous feeling. You are giving them a better life. You can watch their full length documentary of the visit to Sumba and Bali Orphanage on YouTube.

Some of the areas that Give Jewelry are working on – the Indonesian orphanage – is located in the dry land of Sumba. This speaks volume to me as my late aunt who passed away from breast cancer last June was a pastor in Kupang. Her husband, a native son of Kupang and her has been doing a lot of humanitarian works in these small places to help the people. So now can you connect the dots why I feel this ‘calling’ to support Give Jewelry?

ONE PIECE –> ONE CHILD –> ONE WEEK OF FOOD

Give Jewelry is selling truly beautiful affordable handmade pieces. Do check out their products. These bracelets are helping children in Indonesia not only to feed them but also for medical treatments like you can see on this moving documentary. With every bracelet you purchase, Give Jewelry provides one week of nutritious food (that’s 21 meals!) for a child in need.

Below are some simple steps you can take to raise awareness of hunger, encourage activism and create lasting change.  With your help, we CAN end world hunger, one child at a time!

Would you like to get involve and support this cause that has become very near and dear to my heart? It’s so easy:

• Subscribe to the Give Jewelry blog
• “Like” Give Jewelry on Facebook
• Follow Give Jewelry on Twitter
• Subscribe to Give Jewelry YouTube channel

For Tatter Scoops readers, Give Jewelry is giving you guys’ special discounts! Woot woot! Easy as pie, if you decided that this is a cause worth supporting, please do buy a bracelet (or two or more!) and upon check out in the Comment Box please use this code: Tatterscoops to receive a FREE Survivor Purple Cancer Awareness Bracelet or Pink Breast Cancer Awareness bracelet as their thank you gift.

What are you waiting for? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and their bracelets would make a perfect gift for your daughter, mother, girlfriend, etc.

If you do support this, please do let me know by leaving a comment below. Also please watch this 5 minutes video.

Today the boy returns to school after a pretty long break for Christmas.

Ah, I can finally sit and write in peace…or so I thought.

Fingers typing then…

“How is he going to travel that far alone?” sneaked up on me and I lost what I’m supposed to write here. Followed by a silent prayer that he’ll make it there safely.

You see my father is leaving to return to Zambia this afternoon and being the worry wart that I am I just can’t help but worrying about his trip. After his surgery last October, he’s still on the road to recovery. So the thoughts of him flying to a far away land by himself scare me. It’s such a long flight. From here he will fly to Dubai then to Johannesburg before the last leg of his trip to a small mining town in Zambia.

“Be careful!”

“Don’t force it!”

“Ask for wheelchair at the airport to help you.”

“Are you sure you have enough time between the flights so you don’t have to run?”

Those were just some of the stuffs I told him since a few days ago.

He just laughed it off. Typical of him and I got irritated because he’s taking it lightly while his only daughter fret like an old women.

Please say a few prayers for him if you can. May he gets back to Zambia safely and continue his recovery process. Thank you, friends!

♥♥♥♥

Okay, my 5 minutes is up. Come link up with Stream of Consciousness Sunday at All.Things.Fadra

My first time ever doing Fadra’s famous Stream of Consciousness and her prompt is so good to pass this time around.

photo credit: FreePhotoResources

There is more than a mile long list that has been my annual new year’s resolution throughout the year. Shed more weight, getting back in shape, bla bla bla…oh so many things I wish I can change but Fadra’s prompt pushed me to think hard about what I don’t want to change in 2012.

See how fast and easy it is to come up with lists of what we want to change but sometimes when asked what we’re most grateful for and not wanting to change them we have to think extra hard, I know I did.

So, what I don’t want to change in 2012? Let’s see:

1. My friendships with great friends that I have found here. Friends who understand where I’m coming from and have been there for me pretty much through it all.

2. My will power to plow ahead no matter life threw at me. After the hell I’ve been through…I’m sure I could take anything.

3. The bond between my son and I. He’s been saying “I will give you hundred, thousand, million hearts, Mommy.” Every night after I told him “I love you to the moon and back, Pumpkin” he melts my heart all the time.

4. My family, I know I keep talking about how closely knit we are together but 2011 has strengthen our bond as we sailed through so many pain, sorrows and grieves together. I can only wish that 2012 will bring my parents and family lots of good health.

5. My ex-inlaws. I may have been officially divorced from their son but my mother in law, my aunt in law is still very much a part of my life and they will forever be. I love them to pieces and I’m thankful to have them in my life.

How bout you? What do you want to keep the same for 2012?

The writing prompt from Mama Kat’s this week is just too good to pass. What better ways to get ready for the new year than taking a little flash back to see what happened in 2011 on my blog who has been in near comatose moments because juggling a full time job and single motherhood is just not easy.

Let’s get started, shall we?

1. January:

Last January was a huge milestone for my boy. He started preschool! I had mixed feelings about this. One part of me is quite sad to let him go into the world – albeit it’s just a preschool but he never been to one before so it’s a huge steps for all of us. One part of me is excited for him to see him learning new things and making friends.

2. February:

Read above, and see why my blog was in comatose? I didn’t post a single darn thing for the entire month.

3. March:

By the end of March my brothers and my son went to Bangkok to cash in on that Photo Contest winning prize that I won back in late 2010. It was one of the best vacations I ever had. Not only because we went there for free but from being treated like a star at The Holiday Inn Bangkok. It was purely one vacay I will never forget.

4. April:

After my marriage ended and seeing how so many marriages especially ones that involves a Western man fell to pieces while they are living and working in Indonesia, I just can’t help but pouring my thoughts into the ‘Why’s  and I love the feedbacks I’m getting from friends who is in a mix marriage and others who had went through divorce.

5. May:

With my crazy work load back then, I only managed to pushed one post out and it was a V-log. Yes, my first ever video blog.

6. June:

This was a hard month for all of my family. We lost my mother’s sister to breast cancer then followed by the passing of my Grandmother just three days later.

7. July:

My favorite post has to be the one where I wrote about the hardship and joy of flying solo as a single mom.

8. August:

Being a single mom is not easy and sometimes people just need to be reminded of what not to ask us single moms. This post might be very handy for Indonesian people who can be pretty nosy.

9. September:

Hitting the publish button was so hard for this one post. Waves of pain swept over me as I typed how I faced my final curtains but the fear of writing about something so very personal was quickly changed into relief – as if I am letting go of my anger. The outpouring supports I got truly lift up my spirit so thank you my dearest friends who read and commented. This post was picked by Fadra from All Things Fadra for her Top 20 Blogmas Posts to Make You Feel. Thanks Fadra!

I cheated, I have to favorite post this month, it was actually from Mama Kat’s writing prompts: Where I’m From.

10. October:

After one reader’s comment on my post about misconceptions about secretaries , I had some doubtful moments about my writing and asked how to handle criticism. Blogging in a language that is not my native language has been more comfortable for me but it is a learning process. If I were to read my ancient diaries written in English, I’m sure I would cringe from the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.

11. November:

My post to celebrate The World Moms Blog first anniversary was a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. The same reasons why I came up with my tagline Scoops From Two Cultures, One Heart.

12. December:

My son turned 5 years old on December 7, 2011. I reflect back on what a joy having a son really is about.

In welcoming 2012, what are your favorite posts from 2011? Why don’t you join this week’s writing prompts over at Mama Kat’s

With my old camera that is…

Since I was alone for Christmas because my son was over at his Dad’s, I decided to go ahead with my friend to watch the Grand Prix Marching Band Indonesia 2011 held on Christmas Eve here in Jakarta. She coaxed me saying I could take some really cool pictures.

For the records, I knew nothing about marching band and never watch them exclusively.

We got to the big stadium and got front row seats where I quickly took some pictures. After lunch break we went back inside and it was packed! We had to kiss our seats goodbye and stand by the edge. Were difficult taking pictures so I went down, positioned myself right next to this guy who carried the big white lens. His big camera and lenses made me feel so small hah but what the heck, I was determined to take lots of pictures.

I was blown away by these marching bands performances. Before, I would think “Ah, so what they’re just bunch of kids playing musical instruments.” But what I didn’t know was, they are pretty much theatricals, there are storylines even characters brought to life with the music pieces they are playing. It was so much fun.

My two favorite marching bands were from BCK Duri their theme was Harry Potter. So brilliantly done and the music they played were out of this world.

Here’s an amateur video of their performance I found on YouTube.

The other favorite was from Pupuk Kaltim (Bontang PKT) – which by the way is already a household name for Marching Band in Indonesia. How on earth they made the sounds came out to be in perfect stereo is beyond me.

And here’s another YouTube video of their performance:

After the loud day at the stadium – I went to one of the newly opened mall where my family was then headed home.

It is our family tradition here that on Christmas Eve and New Year Eve to have my uncle + his family also my aunt and her family to come over just before midnight. With my mother being the eldest, they always gathered here. We would be praying before midnight followed by midnight meals. Yes, we would eat! Then my mom would call her mother who is in another town.

We stayed up late on Christmas Eve not to open presents but to pray and just be together. Granted, everyone was in mad dash to wake up the next day and get to church for our 10am service.

Before having the families over I decided to play around with my camera some more. Object of experiment? Bokeh lights. Using the Christmas tree and some props I came up with these shots. Of course me being the worst critique of myself, I wasn’t very satisfied with them but for a first try some actually came pretty good. What do you think?

So that is how I spent my Christmas Eve, falling back in love with my old camera. How did you spent yours?

Do you believe that everyone has a twin – that’s not blood related to them – that looks like you? Someone who is your doppelganger?

I didn’t believe this until I met Diana.

See the picture and tell me what you think?

When I was just started at the old company I worked for, one girl quickly said to bunch of other girls “Wow, she looks just like Diana, don’t you think?” Of course I was puzzled who this Diana really is.

The first time I met Diana was at a dinner with my colleagues. Diana used to work at that company but had resigned, moved back to Ambon and built a diner there.

The first meeting, I didn’t see much resemblance to her. Until she returned to the office, yeah she decided to return for a few months to help huge recruitment process.

Everyone said we look alike but I still failed to see what’s so similar other than both our fathers are from Ambon, we both grew up in different parts of Indonesia. Physically we both are big boned and tall. Some people at the office often got mixed up and call me Diana and they call her Maureen. Some even called me Diana when I’m on the phone with them.

Then when my father was in the hospital, she came to visit him. She cheered him up with her Ambonese jokes. My father liked her immediately.  Her own father suffered the same thing that my father has. Diabetes!  Another thing in common.

The epiphany moment came when my son met her and he pointed and said “There’s two Mommy!” Both of us went “What???” and everyone started laughing. Now, if my then 4 years old acknowledge the similarity maybe everyone else has been right all along!

Since then Diana ‘appointed’ herself as “Mama Ani” (Godmother) for my son despite our religious differences. The boy gladly calls her Mama Ani too which wooed her to the core.

Friendship between us grows and the more I get to know her, the more I see our similarities and how her positive vibes in life influenced me greatly.

Funny part is she also just realized a couple of days ago when I call her “Dayen” – as in her nickname while close friends and families calls me “Oyen”. Get it? She asked me “Who the heck are you, really?” And we laughed!

I hope our friendships will grow stronger for sure.

Have you got your own doppelganger?