americanized — Tatter Scoops

Marital Culture Shock

15 Jul posted by Maureen

This is a more serious spin on my suppose-to-be-entertaining-list of things you’ll face after you married your foreigner husband.

Marriages between two Indonesians with different tribes can cause problems, so a marriage with a foreigner means you’ll need bigger efforts to bridge the cultural differences, we did came from a totally different worlds so to speak.

Although my past of living around expatriates did help to understand the western cultures, it doesn’t mean that it’s a smooth sailing for me – or for my ex-husband.

Marriage life means both parties needs to synchronize their differences and the process actually started before we got our marriage certificates. But surely dating and actually living under the same roof are different.

One example of two different cultures between American and Indonesian is the way Indonesian families are tightly bound together. We have a saying here that when two people get married, they are not only married to one another but they got married to the family as well. Families sticks together helping out one another is the Indonesian way. Americans are more independent with children leaving their parents house for college and become independents individuals. My ex-husband grandmother, Mimi is one example of strong independent lady that still live in her own house alone at the age of 87 (Mom, please correct me if I’m wrong).

Another example, I’ve seen a mix marriage falling apart because the Indonesian wives keep sending large amount of money to her family back home and even gave money to her brothers to start a company much to the husband’s objections. You see, this is where I believe the wive should be able to put her new family first, meaning her husband. No, I’m not saying we should ditch the strong family ties we have back home, more like learn to compromise what will works for the newlywed. Mind you, I’m not a marriage counselor but that’s what I learned from mine

For me, the biggest adjustment I had to make after marrying Mr. X and moving to the States was learning how to tell him about what is bothering me without him pulling a tooth out! It’s not easy as I hate confrontation and usually I can’t control my emotions (still working on this department) so it’s easier to just keep it to myself and pout.

The speak my mind part was also a learning process which caused some people to thinks I’m too Americanized now even when I already have this trait but only used them at the work place before.

Another adjustment was cooking! Seriously, I’m so used to take outs when I was single so experimenting in the kitchen was a new territory. Luckily, I ~~married~~ someone who’s not fussy and demanding a 7 course meals! He even do some cooking himself and would chomp down anything I cook.

I think these are the major adjustments issues we got in our marriage. Yes, there are other minor adjustments but it weren’t a big deal. The huge culture shock that I imagined wasn’t there at all, I quickly adapt to my adoptive new home. It wasn’t until we moved to Dothan that I felt a small dose of culture shock.

From trying to understand the thick Southern accents – which eventually I got used to even fell in love with some of their wordings such as “Bless your heart!” to trying to cope with living in that very small town. After living in Jakarta for years, I’m used to be independently mobile. Even when we were living in Upstate NY, I managed to get myself a job, rode public buses to and from work. While in Dothan, the only public transportation is taxi and I was too afraid to drive. Some of my friends had to re-learn to drive there since we, Indonesians drive on the wrong side of the road – right hand driving!

Had heard stories of some major culture shocks Indonesian women married to their white husbands had to face in a forum before. That’s why I put those housewife chores on my fun list! Most Indonesians can afford domestic helpers so getting down and dirty scrubbing the toilet might be a new experience for some women.

You see, some Indonesians never leave their parents’ house until the day they got married. Except for some families, like mine who decided to sent me to the big city. Actually, I had to thanks my parents for sending me to Jakarta only after I finished Junior High, yes I was only 15! Living far from families, I was forced to be independent and doing things on my own so if it wasn’t because of that, I too would suffer from ‘housewife chores’ shock.

One thing that I think really important is to have the willingness to face whatever your new country’s cultures, traditions, or languages with an open mind to get you survived. Remember the old Indonesian saying “Dimana bumi dipijak disitu langit dijunjung.” (when in Rome do as the Romans do)? Keep that in mind and you’ll do just fine!

At the end, the love that brought two people from two different countries should be strong enough help you through these culture shocks or adjustments periods of being married to a ‘bule’ or living in a totally new country.

Do you have any ‘marital culture shock’ experiences?

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Filed Under: Mix Marriage

Are You Americanized?

14 Apr posted by Maureen

According to Merriam-Webster online dictionary, Americanized means:

1 : to cause to acquire or conform to American characteristics

2 : to bring (as an area) under the political, cultural, or commercial influence of the United States intransitive verb : to acquire or conform to American traits

When I was in Atlanta Hartsfield International airport in April 2008 on our way to Indonesia, I chatted with this American guy (his name escape me) after he saw me arguing with the Korean Air ground crew. Later on in our conversations, he told me that his wife is from Thailand and they are all living there. He asked me how long have I been in the States and he mentioned about how hard it is just to get a visa for her to come for a visit. Since he opened the discussion about visa and the whole thing, I kindly asked him if they’re applying for a spouse visa or something else. His answer kind of astounds me to this very day. “Nah, I’m not gonna take her here and let her get Americanized!” Even reading what he said, I can feel his sarcasm, and now I regret not to dive in the chance to indulge what he meant as we were called for boarding.

Can’t help but wondering, what’s with the negative undertone? Was he talking about me? Since obviously I am Asian and I have to admit that I’m somewhat Americanized.

After living in the States for several years, I am well aware of the changes in me. Besides, aren’t we as human are destined to change along with times? I have to acknowledge that I had learn to speak up and standing up for myself even more since I moved to the western part of the world. Not because of peer pressure, simply because I finally have the guts especially since I’m not living in a country that sometimes restraint you to do so (so you won’t have to embarrassed someone, making them loosing face, or making the elderly offended). I had embraced and adopted a lot of good values from living in America, combined with my own of course. Now I believe it is part of human nature to adjust to your environment for survival. Otherwise, you can’t fit in — and if this is the wild, you won’t survive.

But does that mean I am too Americanized? Is being Americanized have to be such a negativity as that guy conveyed? Was that guy simply worrying that his wife will turn into a snob, rude? Or he simply wants her to be submissive as a lot of misconceptions about Asian women out there?

Does one deem too Americanized when she stood up for what she believes is the right thing? Or when she said something to someone from her own country that cut her off on the queue? Then I’ll be ‘guilty’ as charged! Even before I moved to the US, I find it hard to keep my mouth shut that when I was younger my mother would be pinching my thighs as a warning that I had stepped too far.

What is so wrong in adopting and assimilate the goodness of values that happen to be recognized as the American ways? Won’t your life be even richer if you could cultivate both cultures and ways? Cultural diversity is a great thing if you’d only see it through a positive lens.

When I blogged about this very same topic in my old blog one of my friend’s husband post a reply:

“After all of the comments you received, it looks like we all have different perspectives about what it means to be AMERICANIZED. Does America have a unique culture? If NOT, then how is the term “Americanized” to be applied?

I assume that “Americanized” in his mind had a negative connotation. He was worrying that his wife would become rude or even a snob. Perhaps acting like, “I AM NOW AN AMERICAN, SO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK UP!!” If some one expresses freely whatever they want whenever they want to, without concern for the circumstances or persons they are talking to – does this makes them American?

Asians have their own unique way. I think that Asian cultures have many traditions and customs that suggest a feeling of elegance. It is these traditions that cause the initial reaction in some western people to admire Asian women.

Through some websites I have found that American living has changed the characteristics and personality of some Indonesian women. They have lost their humility. TRULY, they have lost the true essence of what they are, their own identity. Yet they are so proud of that!”

To this I replied:

“Yes, I clearly see the different perspectives.

I personally think you don’t have to be American to speak up and express yourself, of course one needs to convey all of those ‘messages’ with consideration of the circumstances. You don’t have to raise your voice in arguments, right? There are civilized ways to do so. And I am a firm believer that expressing yourself in such manner could actually get your points across better than yelling or cursing. This realization came to me after quite sometimes.

Your impression about Asians cultures and traditions are correct, it does show elegance, in fact most Asians girls who were born and raised in Asia are ‘expected’ to be feminine by the culture itself (I was a tomboy and I hated being forced to wear nice frilly dresses) and I strongly believe that’s why the submissive perception came about. When you are raised to withhold your thoughts especially to watch what you’re saying sometimes it will lead to submission, for example no matter how bad things are you are restrained from complaining or questioning the authorities’ figures. Just like the shocked look some doctors gave me when I started questioning them. Why? Because most Indonesians simply follow the doctor’s order, it is not a custom to question such an educated well figured person. I too had to learn about this when I first went to see a doctor in the States, I had to learn to express how I feel to them and it’s not something that changed overnight. I do noticed that these ‘submissive’ label has been slowly changing as more and more Asian women are breaking away from this kind of stereotype. Also, now I believe it really depends on her education and the surrounding she was raised in. All Caucasian/Asian males as well as Caucasian/Asian females are no different if they grew up in North America and come from a quite assimilated environment.

I am well aware of some Asian immigrants who completely lost their touch of Asians heritage from living in the States, I presume that’s just the way they wanted themselves to be…who knows and maybe that’s the kind of life they want so I’m not going to say that’s bad, everyone have their own reasons. But sometimes it is funny to see some people whose trying way too hard, you know what I mean. Are these the kinds of Asians who had lost their humility? For me seeing these over the top ‘ones’ had actually taught me to stay true to myself. ”

Yes, I am aware there are different perspectives of what is perceive as being Americanized but now I realized how people are doing the best they can. People can see and accept that they create their own stress according to how they are responding; they will then see that there is something they need to unlearn as well as learn.

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Filed Under: Mix Marriage

Reverse Culture Shock

17 Sep posted by Maureen

“Remember where you are…” that’s the line my father keep telling me when I started get crabby about how some things work here.

Actually, it wasn’t until I met Melanie, an Aussie girl who’s been a teacher in Asia for over 10 years that I realized that there is a word for how I’ve been feeling in the past oh 9 months. It’s called Reverse Culture Shock. When Melanie and I had our chats, that’s when I realized that she have the same feelings as I do (she was en-route to return home to Australia when I met her) and it was like one of those moments where you say “OMG, you know, I feel the same way too!”

Yes, I was only ‘away’ from my home country for a mere 4 years but somehow I feel something different now that I am back, fully living here. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my home country and being with my family is awesome. Yet there’s this nagging feeling inside me that I couldn’t even pint point at first.

For example, I get so impatience when I have to deal with the banks here, with their complicated way of doing things and just can’t help but comparing them with the way banks operates back in the US. It frustrate me but you know what, it’s always been hectic since as long as I remember it, it probably will stay the same 20 years from now. It was me who need to lower my expectations a bit or else I will never stop feeling irritated.

Living in China and traveling here back and forth, Mr. X didn’t feel much of culture shock. Although he admits that working with a local company with different work ethics still need times to get used to, he handles everything pretty well and I’m so proud of him.

Lowering my gears, I too have to re-adjust to the way people ask questions here. Indonesians loves small talks even when the typical questions they’ll ask you will be considered as none-of-your-beeswax kinda thing. Such as: “Where is your husband from?” to “Why don’t you have more kids, I bet they’ll be so cute!” I’m still working on this department but I think I get better at holding my tongue back and not replying “No, the hospital just handed him out to us to be raised! What do you think?” when a complete stranger asked “Is this your son?” LOL

Since I found out that there is a name for what I’m feeling, I’ve been reading a lot about it online. Google helps! And it’s a relief to know that I’m not alone that there are people out there who understand it. Hopefully in time, I’ll feel better.