We Are Sticking Together!

Looking back, this year I had spent so much times in hospitals.

Well, we all had…

 

More than the last few years combine.

In brutal honesty, part of me wish this would stop. No more hospitals please, Lord. It’s too stressful, mentally draining and physically exhausting.

Yet here I am, sitting by the window facing a mall and an Ocean Park with my mother lays in hospital bed to my left.

She’s been hospitalized since 29th November from breathing problems. Results shows her lungs were half covered with fluids.

My father was just released from the hospital a couple of weeks prior and currently still doing outpatient treatment daily.  My mother has been his ‘nurse’ at home so to have both parents ill really is hard for all of us the children.

Intensive Care Units’ Waiting Room really is one of the most depressing place to be.  There’s just  so much sadness and grief hanging in the air. There used to be an invisible bonds between families who stayed at these waiting rooms while their loved ones are battling their serious illness.

I first experienced this years ago as I spent so many nights for my Grandfather in the hospital.

Things are changing…

Actually, I just realized this when my father was hospitalized. There are more maids even hired caretakers than immediate families.

Yes, I understand everyone is busy in the big city. Time is money. Deadlines to catch, etc…etc…

Not for us!

Both my brothers are working full time and so am I but we managed to stretch our times to be with our parents. Even if the three of us have to take turns spending the night at the hospital.  Even if that means we had to sleep on a thin creaky beds that hurt our backs. We rushed to the hospital after work. We take turns staying in the hospital during the days too.

Of course like many families here in Jakarta, we have helpers at home. We could easily ask them to come and watch our parents in the hospital while we sleep in our comfy beds at home. So why not, then? It just doesn’t feels right. That’s just not in our family’s cultures I guess. None of our parents asked us to stay, sometimes they even try to shoo us out.

Our parents must’ve raised us good. They instilled in us from early on and by living the message that families stick together.

So to hear other’s criticizing me or my brothers for spending so much times in the hospital deserves some bitch slaps, hard!

Work is important especially when you’re a single mom – I’ll be the first to admit that. But still, family comes first and in times like this sometimes you have no other choice but being by the sides of the people you love. And that my friends, is what I’m doing.

This family has been through so much this year yet we are surviving  it all together. Tears filled coated with many of laughter wrapped up in an ever growing faith that God will let us sail through whatever it is life throw at us. We are together!

And that’s what matters most…

From A Thankful Heart

It’s been 3 years…

Since I had a ‘proper’ Thanksgiving meals of turkey, green beans casserole topped off with delicious pecan pie and pumpkin pie.

Had to cancel my reservation at the American Club’s Thanksgiving Dinner tonight because of financial priorities.

My mother’s oven doesn’t have the power to cook a whole turkey.

There are many logistical reasons why we’re not celebrating Thanksgiving Day the way it’s being celebrated back in the States.

But deep in my heart I am thankful.

For this year hasn’t been nothing short but amazing in its own way. Looking back, it’s so easy to spot the things that I’m grateful for.

Here’s why my heart is swollen with so much gratitude – in no particular order:

  • Seeing my boy thriving after he started school. It’s amazing to watch him grows intellectually day by day and blossoming into a soon-to-be 5 years old boy. His sudden interests in math – which by the way, could never come from his mother’s genes! The way he speaks Indonesian and English. My heart that is walking and breathing outside of my body is growing and I couldn’t be more thankful to have him. For the constant reminder he teaches me to slow down, to stop and laugh at the silly little things.
  • To receive VIP treatments at The Holiday Inn in Bangkok for free after winning their photo contest, I would’ve never even imagined that my picture would land us there in Thailand. But it did! It wasn’t a dream. They are still using that shot around their hotel and on their Facebook page.

  • For the health of my family, I can’t stop giving thanks to the Almighty for this one. Even when we lost two beloved members of our family, my faith were forever sealed that God is good all the time. My aunt may lost her battle to breast cancer but she lives on in our hearts forever and my Oma (Grandma) now rest in peace after a long amazing life. Even after the scare of my father’s health, God still answer our prayers and he’s now on the road to recovery.
  • For my best friends who keeps me sane. These girls are my voices of reasons when I hit the slump. Their love gives me the strength when I thought I had none left. Yes, you girl! Those who can truly sees the real me without passing judgments, who let me vent yet give me some slaps of reality when necessary. Your friendship means the world to me. Thank you!

“Friends ask you why you’re crying. Best friends: already have a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.” - unknown

  • The wonderful people that I met at my current job, the ones that I will leave in just a few days. Friendships were made. The laughter we shared in that office. So many people who touched my life. I will keep the memories of working side by side with them close to my heart and keep the friendships made.
  • All my bloggy/Facebook/Twitter friends…it’s amazing how social media works isn’t? I have ‘met’ some truly amazing amazing people here online from all corners of the world. If only I could squeeze everyone here – it would be one darn long list. So if you read this post, if we communicate through Facebook or Twitter then I am thankful for you! My blog has opened up connections with others that enrich my life, it builds not only connections but also friendships, albeit the distance. Two highlights of my 2011 so far also include how thankful I feel to be a part of World Moms Blog’s contributor and being featured on The Parent Du Jour.
  • Despite the end of my marital ties with Mr. X, his families still plays important roles in my life. My wonderful ex-mother in law who calls me her daughter…I could’ve never asked for a better mother in law. So to use the letters ‘ex’ pained me. Love that woman like my own mother!

Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, it is important to remain thankful for all the blessings, big or small.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving Day?

Two Cultures, One Heart

In my nearly 5 years of being a mother to little dude, a lot has changed. A lot has influenced me in this whole journey of motherhood.

From facing motherhood ‘unexpectedly’ by having my son 5 weeks earlier than expected – thanks to my severe preeclampsia, from dealing with undiagnosed post-partum depression, from moving to China temporarily before moving permanently back to my home country of Indonesia, from the demise of my marriage, from practicing co-parenting

So much has happened.

My way of motherhood has clearly become one that’s not very mainstream like, loaded with influences from two cultures.

Scoops from two cultures, one heart

That’s my tag line. Two cultures because the influences from my Indonesian – Southeast Asian background and you got the Western parts as my son is born out of two emerged cultures. One heart, because despite the differences the source is one…this little boy who is not so little anymore.

Looking back, frictions of having my own beliefs when it comes to parenting/motherhood and that of my cultural upbringing were not as bad as I feared. Of course it was slightly overwhelming at first, just like when my mother suggested that I strapped my post-emergency-c-section-tummy with a girdle or put a coin on my new baby’s belly button to prevent him from being an outie – which by the way I refused to practice and his belly button looks normal now.

Now that I had readjusted myself to be living back here permanently, I am more in-tune with whatever works for us – this little boy and his mommy – instead of what is demanded by society.

Easier to say than done…I’d like to think it developed over times and will continues to do so as I travel this journey of motherhood longer.

When I first brought my son home to Indonesia, he was about 10 months old.  I hated the way strangers would come and pinch his cheeks or hold his baby fat covered hands. Maybe because back in Alabama people just doesn’t do that, but overtime I came to understand that these are just the admiration gestures my own people have. A gesture that has been going on for decades if not million of years ago. I even blogged awhile back about this very topic of please don’t touch my baby!

Now that I’m a single mom who is learning to master the art of practice co-parenting, there are still miles of challenges up ahead. Be it from my inner self and also from society who sadly still have huge doubts about co-parenting, some people here even still looks down on single moms.

It may looks like I have plenty of internal wars within me from trying to combine and maintain a balance of two cultures in raising my son but in the end what matters is that one heart…that is growing outside my body.

Our two cultures maybe quite colorful but if we take the goods out of both worlds our lives will be rich and this boy will grow up with pride of having the best of both worlds. And that is one of my motherhood purpose…

This month World Moms Blog is celebrating their 1  year blogiversary and I am linking up with them and many other great bloggers from across the globe. Come check it out and travel the world of motherhood.

 

Praying For My Father

This past week has really been an emotional one for my family and I.

As I type this, I’m sitting on the sofa bed that has been our friend for 8 days while my father laying in the hospital bed. Three IVS running through his right hand, countless of daily blood sugar tests, pills and shots taken daily.

To honor his wish, I won’t disclose his real condition but it got something to do with his diabetes.

As his daughter it truly breaks my heart to see him in pain…to see his sufferings. Him, the one man in my life that I look up to as my own hero in laying helplessly held prisoner by this hospital bed. He needed me to help feeding him, to give him his drinks through a plastic straw, to wipe his tears when he apologized.

You know someone deeply love you when they are more worried about your own well being even when they are in a lot of pain.

Have you eat yet?” He would asked me daily “You should go to sleep…don’t you have to go to work tomorrow?” when it is him who needed to rest and recuperate.

There has been many many tears shed this week.

I’m sorry I’ve troubled you and your brothers…” his voice cracked and tears seep from the corners of his eyes.

NO! Stop saying that, Papa…” My own tears would be blurring my eyes as I fought back my own tears. “As your children it is our responsibilities to care for you.” I would squeezed his hand tighter.

After the scare of his heart attack back in 1999 where he was ‘gone’ for 15 seconds, dealing with hospital hasn’t been easy for me.

He stayed in this very same hospital for a whole month after his bypass surgery back in 2000.

In this past week I’ve only seen my boy for short times as I would go to work and madly rushing back to the hospital to be with my father after work. Usually by the time I get home my son would be asleep. Also, my brothers and I are taking turns to stay in the hospital at nights with him.

How I miss my son…but right now my father needs me, needs us as a family to wrap him with our love and care.

In these past 8 days…I could barely focus on anything else but my father’s condition. We got him a birthday cake although he can only blew the candles a day after his actual birthday, after he left the ICU. It made him happy and my heart was swollen with so much love for this man.

Thank you to those who had prayed and sending him well wishes through twitter and facebook also emails. My family and I are strong believer in the power of prayers.

So thank you dear friends!

I Am My Parents’ Daughter

Creative Commons Licensephoto credit: christine zenino

Come home…

His voice trembled. Pain, like sharp little broken glass under my bare feet crept in. Closed my eyes as I fought back the tears.

Don’t worry…come home…” he went on, there was a cracked in his voice as he told me he loves me and my son.

That was nearly two years ago as I went back to our apartment to picked up my stuffs and that man on the other line was my father trying to give me strength all the way from Africa.

Since that day I have been home under my parents’ wings once again. Their love engulfs me like angel’s wings during my darkest times. They are my pillars.

Yes, there were frictions when it all first started. My mother said something that felt like a punch to my face. I know she never meant to hurt me but I was in a state where it was too painful to hear “You shouldn’t trust him with his business trips alone…” Her words pushed me off the wall and I who never talked back to my parents out of respects snapped! It was ugly.

She didn’t know…

Until I finally broke down and told everything that had happened. Told her why I ‘disappeared’ for nearly a whole month in China.  She cried, I cried, we both cried and she held me tight praying to God to mend my broken heart, she prayed God will mend my broken marriage. I saw her heart broken behind her eyes.

There are times where I feel like I failed them too. Me, the strong independent only daughter who left the nest at the tender age of 15 had came home broken, ruined with a child.

There are times where I can see the pain in my father’s eyes and it kills me inside. Me, his baby girl…

She’s a grown up women now. If she feels this is the right decision then we support her 110%. But…promise me that you will return her to us if things don’t work out between the two of you. Divorce is a big no-no in our family.” That was his request to Mr. X when he came to see my father and asked for his blessings.

A promise he failed to keep…

Oh the shame…as the only daughter, the first to got married I feel like I failed them. Failed to set a good example to my younger brothers.

It took times for them to accept that I wear the crown as the only person in our family’s history to ever get divorced and it hasn’t been easy.

How I prayed that my father’s bad heart wouldn’t get affected by all those mess and God did listened. Him, my father remained strong and cool headed throughout the times. But I know he is hurting for me…because of me.

I failed them…I wasn’t a good enough daughter for them. Failed to keep the no-divorce foundation that is within our big family. I was embarrassed and guilt weighs me down heavily.

Until one of my aunts wiped my self-pity dark window and let me see through it.

No matter what, they will always love you and accept you for who you are. The good and the bad. That’s what parents does. They are hurting because they see you are still hurting.” She reached my hand and held it while I sat there in tears.

They might not like divorce but sometimes God has other plans for your life…

Yes, I may wear the crown as a divorcee but I am rebuilding my life. I am worthy of their love because I am their daughter. No matter what…I am good enough for them. I am still their only daughter and they are still my parents. They are the roots inside me that will never go away. All they want is to see my happy.

They share my sadness, my pain but they also rejoice with my happiness, my success. They taught me what parenting is all about; to love unconditionally with a love that only parents can understand.

I am good enough daughter for them…

I am linking up with Just Be Enough again this Monday. Head over there to read more powerful inspiring stories of courage, strength, and love to one’s self.

The Gift of Co-Parenting

Candles

Image from Dreamstime

Technically co-parenting means: An arrangement in a divorce or separation by which parents shares legal and physical custody of a child or children. – from The Free Dictionary

That’s the short answer.

Long answer, Co-parenting comprises all the activities related to communicating, negotiating and making decisions regarding your children with your child’s other parent. There is no one right way to co-parent, each parenting team must find their own middle ground. – The Co-parenting Resources

I’m not a co-parenting expert, it’s a new territory for me. Mr. X was divorced with two children before he came into my life, so in short, he has been doing co-parenting with the ex wife for years.

Co-parenting Is Not A Walk In The Park

My marriage didn’t end very well at first. There was a lot of drama, a lot of anger, a lot of pain and resentment. For a very personal reasons I shamelessly cut all ties with Mr. X – thinking I was protecting Lil’ A. It lasted for almost 8 months.

Then one night after a bed time apology to Lil’ A I had an epiphany that what I thought was ‘protecting’ turned out to be hurting this innocent little boy. I alienated his father. The person he loves. My ‘protecting’ blanket ended up hurting my son. Parental alienation is real, people. It can be dangerous to your child.

So against my families’ objections I opened communication line back up with Mr. X.

He’s still so young. He will forget about his Daddy anyway…” said one of my relatives when they found out I had re-opened the door to let Mr. X be present in our son’s life once again.

If I should follow my pain, my anger then Yes I would rather disappear far far away but would that be fair for Lil A? No! It would mean I would rob him for his rights to have a relationship with his father. It wouldn’t be fair. It might ruin him in the future.

So I sucked it all up and use my brain instead of my broken heart or ego.

It is so culturally common in Indonesia to see fathers just walk away completely from their wives and children then become a deadbeat father. The stigma of blaming the women really doesn’t help either. Also, the non-existence of Child Support law – well maybe somewhere there are laws that regulate this things but it is never enforceable – ‘allows’ these fathers to escape from their duties.

It took awhile for my family to accept and finally understand that it is important for Lil’ A to see his father, to spend bonding times with him which is understandable after the hell that they saw me in, they too were hurt and I understand. But by standing my ground and said, “No matter what happened with me and his father, Mr. X is still the father.” finally they accepted it.

The divorced happened between Mr. X and me. There can be ex husbands and ex wives out there but there are no ex-children!

It’s so hard at first, let me admit to that but it is do-able!

Co-Parenting Doesn’t Mean Your Ex is Trying To Win You Back

Well maybe on some cases it might be true but the whole concept still seems so far fetch for most Indonesians.

I get a little frustrated reading some emails about exes contacting their ex-spouses. Most of the advices these women got were “He’s trying to win you back.” Or “He’s just lonely. Ignore him.

Again, maybe it’s true…but there’s a chance it might be wrong. Maybe the ex was really just trying to re-open the once shut down communication line.

It could be a perfect chance to discuss about the children, it may open the door to co-parenting.

Personally, I’m approaching and treating co-parenting as a business venture with Mr. X. We may not be friends – yet but we’re in this together for the boy. He and I managed to maintain civil communications in front of our son and behind him. We communicate about school, etc. Talking bad about the ex is also a big no-no in front of Lil’ A and I banned my family from playing detective whenever he got home from spending a weekend with Daddy. It would be unfair to put your child as a spy.

Please, never berate your ex in-front of your children, regardless of your ex spouses’ sins… in your child’s eyes they are still the father/mother.

Keeping the emotions in checked is key. There will be times where the ex says things that make your blood pressure hit the roof and you just want to yell at them. It is normal. Take a deep breath and walk away from the situation until you can cool off. It takes maturities from both parties to make co-parenting works.

Remember you are not doing this for your ex’s sake, you are doing this for your child who still needs the presence and relationships with their father/mother.

The Gift of Co-Parenting

To see your children faces light up when they are talking about the great times they had with their other parent – your ex(s) husband/partner…it is priceless.

Yes, at first it stings but by separating your own emotions/feelings and seeing the happiness in your child’s face, you will know you are doing the right thing.

It will take awhile for the little one to understand that now they have two homes. One with Mommy and one with Daddy. It took Lil’ A several months before he finally grasp the concept.

Divorce is hard enough for the young ones but by practicing a healthy co-parenting it will help them to see that relationships may ends, marriage may ends but it would empower them to recognize that their parents will always be there for them no matter what.

Are you willing to give your child(ren) the gift of co-parenting?

If you are divorced, how do you handle co-parenting? Do share your tips.

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