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A New Beginning

1 Jan posted by

A new beginning…

Start afresh.
Creative Commons License photo credit: VinothChandar

2011 has been eventful in my life with ups and downs so I’m trying to welcome 2012 and treat it like a clean slate.

First day of 2012 has been wet here in Jakarta, with the rain pouring down since early morning through pretty much all day and the gloominess weighing down. I see it as the rain of blessings. Did you know the Chinese people strongly believe that  rain on New Year’s Day will bring prosperity?

Start out fresh…without a long list of resolutions because as much as I love making a list I’m a sucker for New Year’s resolution. Maybe going with a mental list is better than writing it all down to leave evidence of how I didn’t follow through, right?

New year means I’m getting closer to hit 33. Yikes! OK, let’s not go there.

I’m hoping and trying and working damn hard to leave my baggage behind and welcoming the New Year with wide open arms. Carrying these bags for far too long, it is now my time to break free from it all. To fall in love with myself again and living life to the fullest.

Traveling more is definitely on my list. There are so many beautiful places to discover in Indonesia so I’m up for it.

This year I’m starting fresh with plunging myself to give NaBloPoMo a try. Not sure what that is? It’s basically a writing challenge to blog every day for a whole month. I’ve seen this being tweeted around and thought I’d give it a try.  So wish me luck!

NaBloPoMo January 2012

Happy New Year, guys! Do you usually make New Year Resolutions? What’s your hopes and dreams for the New Year?

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Filed Under: Jakarta Livin'

2011 In A Flashback

28 Dec posted by

The writing prompt from Mama Kat’s this week is just too good to pass. What better ways to get ready for the new year than taking a little flash back to see what happened in 2011 on my blog who has been in near comatose moments because juggling a full time job and single motherhood is just not easy.

Let’s get started, shall we?

1. January:

Last January was a huge milestone for my boy. He started preschool! I had mixed feelings about this. One part of me is quite sad to let him go into the world – albeit it’s just a preschool but he never been to one before so it’s a huge steps for all of us. One part of me is excited for him to see him learning new things and making friends.

2. February:

Read above, and see why my blog was in comatose? I didn’t post a single darn thing for the entire month.

3. March:

By the end of March my brothers and my son went to Bangkok to cash in on that Photo Contest winning prize that I won back in late 2010. It was one of the best vacations I ever had. Not only because we went there for free but from being treated like a star at The Holiday Inn Bangkok. It was purely one vacay I will never forget.

Walking Down The Steps

4. April:

After my marriage ended and seeing how so many marriages especially ones that involves a Western man fell to pieces while they are living and working in Indonesia, I just can’t help but pouring my thoughts into the ‘Why’s  and I love the feedbacks I’m getting from friends who is in a mix marriage and others who had went through divorce.

5. May:

With my crazy work load back then, I only managed to pushed one post out and it was a V-log. Yes, my first ever video blog.

6. June:

This was a hard month for all of my family. We lost my mother’s sister to breast cancer then followed by the passing of my Grandmother just three days later.

7. July:

My favorite post has to be the one where I wrote about the hardship and joy of flying solo as a single mom.

8. August:

Being a single mom is not easy and sometimes people just need to be reminded of what not to ask us single moms. This post might be very handy for Indonesian people who can be pretty nosy.

9. September:

Hitting the publish button was so hard for this one post. Waves of pain swept over me as I typed how I faced my final curtains but the fear of writing about something so very personal was quickly changed into relief – as if I am letting go of my anger. The outpouring supports I got truly lift up my spirit so thank you my dearest friends who read and commented. This post was picked by Fadra from All Things Fadra for her Top 20 Blogmas Posts to Make You Feel. Thanks Fadra!

I cheated, I have to favorite post this month, it was actually from Mama Kat’s writing prompts: Where I’m From.

10. October:

After one reader’s comment on my post about misconceptions about secretaries , I had some doubtful moments about my writing and asked how to handle criticism. Blogging in a language that is not my native language has been more comfortable for me but it is a learning process. If I were to read my ancient diaries written in English, I’m sure I would cringe from the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.

11. November:

My post to celebrate The World Moms Blog first anniversary was a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. The same reasons why I came up with my tagline Scoops From Two Cultures, One Heart.

12. December:

My son turned 5 years old on December 7, 2011. I reflect back on what a joy having a son really is about.

In welcoming 2012, what are your favorite posts from 2011? Why don’t you join this week’s writing prompts over at Mama Kat’s

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Filed Under: Musings

On Loneliness

15 Dec posted by
Alone

‘Tis the season to be merry…

Not lonely

Yet here I am, typing this with loneliness about to leak from the rim of my sanity.

Just when I thought I’ve already have so much to juggle, such a busy life as a single mom I can’t seem to shake these feelings off. Yes, I am surrounded with my big crazy loving family layered with lots of awesome friends – which I am so thankful for but there’s a suppressed feeling of loneliness that I’ve been shoving aside for ages.

And when it leaks, I am a hot mess!

After rebuilding my life all over again, I’ve been trying so damn hard to stay strong and independent, trying to create positive focuses in my life to lift the spirit. Infidelities really did some damaged on my part that honestly I’m still working on.

So yes, I feel loneliness chewing me inside.

Why Not Dating Again?

 
“You’re still young…there’s still plenty of chances out there for you. Plenty of fish in the sea!” one dear friend encouraged me when I lamented about my bleak dating history.

Plenty of fish in the sea alright! But not in this part of the sea.

Why?

Maybe because I am not like everyone else…well I know I’m not like everyone else but if you should ask me my ‘man-wish-list’ then without being racist or anything I would put Caucasian on my list.  For the past 14 years I haven’t date any Asian men. I did date Indonesian guys before but it didn’t work out, obviously.  Growing up surrounded by Caucasians and from liberal parents also being in the States for awhile, I think I’m more attracted to those who are open minded, self sufficient man who can appreciate an opinionated woman without fears of me stepping on their ego.  Maybe if I meet an Indonesian guy with these traits or have the same experience we’ll be compatible but I haven’t meet one so far. Hmm…I see a future post discussing more about why – maybe one day I will.

Young, nice bloke in Jakarta is a rare breed.

See now why it’s so difficult for me to date here?

Online dating? Meh! I tried that. Doesn’t work for me. I tried one dating service once and guess what all my ‘matches’ are not located anywhere near Jakarta.

I had unfortunately turned into a skeptic when it comes to long distance relationship.

Fighting It No More

 
After my last date – which dated back to six months ago, I decided to step back from the dating world. It’s really exhausting and I feel like my dating skills are rusting. From the ‘why didn’t he call?’ to the many other questions that left me felt too tired to play the field.

Yet at these times of the year when happy faces of whole families being plastered from Christmas cards to Christmasy ads, I can’t restrain these feelings.

I miss being with someone who can see me way pass my boobs size. Seriously, I guess I just miss the companionship of being in a relationship. That’s all and especially around the holidays times.

And I have come to a conclusion that it’s OK to feel this way. That it’s normal. That it just means I’m only human. I just can’t let these loneliness drag me down deeper than it already is. That I should instead enjoy the freedom of being single and continue working on myself first and foremost.

Even when I know I’m not ready for anything serious right now it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to hold my hand other than my 5 years old.

Are you a single mom? How do you deal with loneliness especially around Holidays?

Picture from Dreamstime.
16 Comments
Filed Under: Single Life

From A Thankful Heart

24 Nov posted by

It’s been 3 years…

Since I had a ‘proper’ Thanksgiving meals of turkey, green beans casserole topped off with delicious pecan pie and pumpkin pie.

Had to cancel my reservation at the American Club’s Thanksgiving Dinner tonight because of financial priorities.

My mother’s oven doesn’t have the power to cook a whole turkey.

There are many logistical reasons why we’re not celebrating Thanksgiving Day the way it’s being celebrated back in the States.

But deep in my heart I am thankful.

For this year hasn’t been nothing short but amazing in its own way. Looking back, it’s so easy to spot the things that I’m grateful for.

Here’s why my heart is swollen with so much gratitude – in no particular order:

  • Seeing my boy thriving after he started school. It’s amazing to watch him grows intellectually day by day and blossoming into a soon-to-be 5 years old boy. His sudden interests in math – which by the way, could never come from his mother’s genes! The way he speaks Indonesian and English. My heart that is walking and breathing outside of my body is growing and I couldn’t be more thankful to have him. For the constant reminder he teaches me to slow down, to stop and laugh at the silly little things.
  • To receive VIP treatments at The Holiday Inn in Bangkok for free after winning their photo contest, I would’ve never even imagined that my picture would land us there in Thailand. But it did! It wasn’t a dream. They are still using that shot around their hotel and on their Facebook page.

  • For the health of my family, I can’t stop giving thanks to the Almighty for this one. Even when we lost two beloved members of our family, my faith were forever sealed that God is good all the time. My aunt may lost her battle to breast cancer but she lives on in our hearts forever and my Oma (Grandma) now rest in peace after a long amazing life. Even after the scare of my father’s health, God still answer our prayers and he’s now on the road to recovery.
  • For my best friends who keeps me sane. These girls are my voices of reasons when I hit the slump. Their love gives me the strength when I thought I had none left. Yes, you girl! Those who can truly sees the real me without passing judgments, who let me vent yet give me some slaps of reality when necessary. Your friendship means the world to me. Thank you!

“Friends ask you why you’re crying. Best friends: already have a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.” - unknown

  • The wonderful people that I met at my current job, the ones that I will leave in just a few days. Friendships were made. The laughter we shared in that office. So many people who touched my life. I will keep the memories of working side by side with them close to my heart and keep the friendships made.
  • All my bloggy/Facebook/Twitter friends…it’s amazing how social media works isn’t? I have ‘met’ some truly amazing amazing people here online from all corners of the world. If only I could squeeze everyone here – it would be one darn long list. So if you read this post, if we communicate through Facebook or Twitter then I am thankful for you! My blog has opened up connections with others that enrich my life, it builds not only connections but also friendships, albeit the distance. Two highlights of my 2011 so far also include how thankful I feel to be a part of World Moms Blog’s contributor and being featured on The Parent Du Jour.
  • Despite the end of my marital ties with Mr. X, his families still plays important roles in my life. My wonderful ex-mother in law who calls me her daughter…I could’ve never asked for a better mother in law. So to use the letters ‘ex’ pained me. Love that woman like my own mother!

Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, it is important to remain thankful for all the blessings, big or small.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving Day?

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Filed Under: Musings, Uncategorized

When 24 Hours Just Doesn’t Cut It Anymore

20 Nov posted by

I’m still alive…drowning with work but alive…

Down and Out and Drowning (Explore)
Creative Commons License photo credit: geezaweezer

These past few weeks have been so overwhelming. All the stress and tensions from staying in the hospital last month up to earlier this month with my father has finally caught up with me. All the stress from work – from going solo because my colleague is on her leave and I have to tackle everything by myself really makes me feel exhausted. All the pressure to stay at my current job while I had signed up with a new one makes my head hurts. I hit the slump of feeling running on empty.

So much to juggle all at once…

Then the little ‘panic’ I got from realizing my time at my current job is drawing to a close and I still have so many loose end to ties-up while keeping the ‘regular’ workloads afloat causing me to work long hours. In the past week alone I had worked close to 65 hours. I.am.super.overwhelmed! Stress gives me daily stomachache and I’m just dying to get all these behind me.

Yes, I am moving to a new company starting the end of this month. I’m sad to leave my colleagues and friends but I’ve made up my mind.

This new job will require longer commute time as the office would be in downtown area but there will be much more commuting options from the bus to the train. I think I will go with the latter option.

Another set of panic attack was when it hits me that I don’t have that much of ‘formal’ working attires. Being spoiled by my office now, jeans became my best friend so I don’t wear my executive-secretary-style daily. The new job will requires me to dress formally from Monday – Thursday. So I’ve been slowly starting to buy key pieces items to wear. Not easy because I’m not your typical itty-bitty-Asian woman.

Breathe in breathe out…

Lately I told my best friend that I feel like I have no life whatsoever outside of just work & home. Rinse and repeat!

My long awaited trip to the small island of Rote has been cancelled due to my father’s health. He was still in hospitalized when I was scheduled to go so canceling it was the right thing to do. Besides, I wouldn’t feel right to go on a mini get-away while he’s sick.

Dating? What is that exactly? I’m just so not ready and not been interested in this department. Maybe later in the future.

Don’t even let me get started on the working mom’s guilt, for I have oh so plenty of them lately. Knowing that my son is the motor that keep me running through all these hurdle is what keeps me going.

Not easy for me to relax and take things easy with so much going on but I am trying. Thanks God for dear dear close friends who can still makes me laugh with their antics during these stressful few weeks.

Luckily there’s only 24 hours in a day if we have more then I’d probably be working even longer.

How do you manage a crazy schedule in your life? How do you find your “me-time”? 

6 Comments
Filed Under: Single Mommyhood, Working Mom

Two Cultures, One Heart

3 Nov posted by

In my nearly 5 years of being a mother to little dude, a lot has changed. A lot has influenced me in this whole journey of motherhood.

From facing motherhood ‘unexpectedly’ by having my son 5 weeks earlier than expected – thanks to my severe preeclampsia, from dealing with undiagnosed post-partum depression, from moving to China temporarily before moving permanently back to my home country of Indonesia, from the demise of my marriage, from practicing co-parenting…

So much has happened.

My way of motherhood has clearly become one that’s not very mainstream like, loaded with influences from two cultures.

Scoops from two cultures, one heart

That’s my tag line. Two cultures because the influences from my Indonesian – Southeast Asian background and you got the Western parts as my son is born out of two emerged cultures. One heart, because despite the differences the source is one…this little boy who is not so little anymore.

Looking back, frictions of having my own beliefs when it comes to parenting/motherhood and that of my cultural upbringing were not as bad as I feared. Of course it was slightly overwhelming at first, just like when my mother suggested that I strapped my post-emergency-c-section-tummy with a girdle or put a coin on my new baby’s belly button to prevent him from being an outie – which by the way I refused to practice and his belly button looks normal now.

Now that I had readjusted myself to be living back here permanently, I am more in-tune with whatever works for us – this little boy and his mommy – instead of what is demanded by society.

Easier to say than done…I’d like to think it developed over times and will continues to do so as I travel this journey of motherhood longer.

When I first brought my son home to Indonesia, he was about 10 months old.  I hated the way strangers would come and pinch his cheeks or hold his baby fat covered hands. Maybe because back in Alabama people just doesn’t do that, but overtime I came to understand that these are just the admiration gestures my own people have. A gesture that has been going on for decades if not million of years ago. I even blogged awhile back about this very topic of please don’t touch my baby!

Now that I’m a single mom who is learning to master the art of practice co-parenting, there are still miles of challenges up ahead. Be it from my inner self and also from society who sadly still have huge doubts about co-parenting, some people here even still looks down on single moms.

It may looks like I have plenty of internal wars within me from trying to combine and maintain a balance of two cultures in raising my son but in the end what matters is that one heart…that is growing outside my body.

Our two cultures maybe quite colorful but if we take the goods out of both worlds our lives will be rich and this boy will grow up with pride of having the best of both worlds. And that is one of my motherhood purpose…

This month World Moms Blog is celebrating their 1  year blogiversary and I am linking up with them and many other great bloggers from across the globe. Come check it out and travel the world of motherhood.

 

20 Comments
Filed Under: Single Mommyhood
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