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Mrs. Bule oh Mrs. Bule

15 Dec posted by

Money can’t buy you class!

Colorful Cash (Hipstamatic Contest Entry)
Creative Commons License photo credit: EastsideRJ

That’s the line that’s been brimming in my head in the past few weeks – especially since I’ve been dealing with this special lady – at work.

Her continuous rudeness caused me to finally spoke up and told her that I am not her maid and what she’s asking me to do isn’t part of job description, but if she would’ve ask me nicely, chances are I’d be happy to help out. That stopped her cold from her high throne. Let’s hope she’ll watch her manners with me from now on.

Really…I don’t understand what makes some women thinks that just because they are now bar graduated Mrs. Bule that they could treat others with such disrespects?

I was once a Mrs. Bule myself, but that doesn’t make me go boss others around like a maniac and be rude. I never ask my ex’s secretary to call him…I can do that myself, thank you very much!

This kind of behaviors got me thinking…

Does these women thinks now that they have a bule husband,  some loads of cash then they are way better than everyone else? They need to show their power by barking orders and snap at them. Or does it really boils down to insecurities they have inside? Insecurities that others are out there to snag their husband because secretly they know chances are their husbands will have affairs one way or another?

Could it just be that their attitudes are bad in the first place? Could very well be but my God, dealing with these kinds of Mrs. Bule takes a lot of patience!

Mrs. Bule…if you are reading this please take into considerations that others have feelings too and you really doesn’t have to yell and snaps at every body especially to the people at your husbands office. Plus really, it won’t hurt you to be nice and treating others the way you wanted to be treated, right? I think it is just common sense that one will get no further with their rudeness. This is probably why lots of these employees sneered at you behind your back and justify the labeling that all Mrs. Bule are bitchy!

Have you ever met these kinds of Mrs. Bule? How did you deal with them and their attitudes?

14 Comments
Filed Under: Jakarta Livin'

Bule Style Girl?

22 Jul posted by
yin & yang

yin & yangCouple of months ago when I went shopping at one of the ‘average malls’ here in Jakarta and in between trying on some blouses the very helpful sales associate asked me something that no one…had ever asked me before.

“Are you married to a bule*?”

My hands stopped mid-air while handing her back some of the blouses I just tried on.

“Uhm, yes. Why?” Someone ask you that, you just have to know why and I knew Mr. X was at the play area with Lil’ A.

“Oh, it’s just your style…” she hesitated for a moment. “You just looked like that type of girl a bule will hook up with.”

*insert dropped jaws here…*

Of course she got me more curious and I tried to dig it out of her what is exactly a ‘typical bule style’ that she meant. She apologized first then went on to explain that she’s been working in a store for a long time and she can tell the difference just by the way her customers are dressing up.

Mind you that day I had a light tunic sleeveless top, an old super comfy jeans, bunch of bangles, a small messenger bag, a sandal, not much make-up, hair pulled up because that mall is pretty hot.

Was that a ‘bule-taste-style?’ I asked her to elaborate.

Shyly she said she thinks so. Most ‘bule wives’ are much more relaxed than other local women, according to her observations.

I asked her back “So because I don’t wear tons of make-ups and doesn’t wear sexy heels just to go to the mall, I look like a typical bule wife – do you mean that famous maid resemblance that some bule seems to be attracted to?”

Quickly she apologized for the second time.

Oh, I’ve seen so much of these stereotyping when it comes to a white guy and an Indonesian girl. Of course beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and sometimes the contrasts differences between a mix couple can be so ‘visually loud’ that people comes to think that all white guys only after those “dark complexion, buck teeth, and a high forehead typically found among remote mountain villagers in Java” as described by Thang D. Nguyen on his blog (too bad he shut down his blog!) but here’s an excerpts:

As my friend and I sipped our coffees last Sunday afternoon at Plaza Indonesia, he asked, “Don’t you think that many of the Indonesian women that white foreigners (buleh) go out with or marry are so unattractive?”

“They look like maids, don’t they” he continued.

“Not necessarily so,” I replied.

Beauty, like many things in life, is bound by the rule of relativity. In other words, what one man considers beautiful is ugly in the eyes of another.

Being an Indonesian himself, my friend’s view of a beautiful woman is that of a fair-skinned one, who has the look of a financially independent, educated, and classy lady.

Thus, in his eyes, an Indonesian woman with a dark complexion, buck teeth, and a high forehead typically found among remote mountain villagers in Java, is not beautiful.

A mix couple here still stood out like a sore thumb and no my skin is not too dark – it was darker back in States actually! I don’t have buck teeth and my forehead is pretty average – but still, I married someone with a white skin.

Back in the US these things never bother me…maybe because it’s been a country of such a huge ‘melting pot’ that people there are more open to interracial dating although there are some racist out there like mentioned by Paul from The Butler Way.

Here in Jakarta, I’m more self conscious when it comes to going places with my Mr. Bule. Why? Easy, because people stare more at us even with a screaming toddler in tow! Dress too sexily people will have that ‘Oh she’s an ayam**!’ look on their eyes, dress too casually then you fall into that maid stereotype.

I have to admit I’m somewhat more laid back now that I’m a mommy..yes I still love those heels and love wearing sexy things but it’s no fun wearing them and chasing down a toddler with the risk of breaking my neck or my ankle? Uhm…not cool! So for now, comforts are no.1 unless of course the boy is staying home.

If you’re a mix couple how do you handle this? If you’re not a mix couple, what do you think of one?

PS: *Bule = white people

**Ayam = chicks in a negative term

35 Comments
Filed Under: Mix Marriage

No Matchmaker

13 Jul posted by

Suburb Matchmaker
Creative Commons License photo credit: Robboguy

An old friend from college chatted with me a couple of days ago asking one of the ‘famous’ questions that us Indonesian women who married to white men often hears.

“Do you know a single bule* guy?”

Apparently she has a friend, let’s name her “Betty” who just broke up with a white guy here and that girl is so brokenhearted but not wanting to date Indonesians.

Now, I’m not going to attack that girl for her taste in dating white guys because I too had actually stopped dating locals’ years before I met Mr. X. It got nothing to do with the ‘trending lifestyle’ as some would put it, for me it’s a matter of personal choices. Without sounding like a racist – just the way some people prefer strawberry ice-cream, I like vanilla better!

I know how broken heart felt like so I can sympathize to a certain level especially since most of the white guys that lives and works in Jakarta are well known to be a player. How so? Simple, because let’s face it, they have these brown exotic girls throwing themselves at them. Supplies and demands play a factor.

But, what I do not sympathize is that fact that Betty dated a married guy! This is where I can’t feel sorry for their broken relationship. Granted, it takes two to tango but as the one who is not attached, she shouldn’t get carried away with the affair.

I will write about this affair thing in a later post as it deserves a whole new post.

Back to my friend’s question, I told her that no, I don’t have any single white guy friends so I can’t play the role of matchmaker for Betty. Plus Mr. X is not working in a foreign company where he would be associated with other expats and we only have a few expats friends here but they’re also married. Where he works now there are only 2 expatriates, him and a married British guy.

When I suggest that Betty try the plenty of dating sites out there, my friend said Betty would prefer someone who’s a friend of someone. Well, make sense…but tough luck because I can’t be any help. Plus, honestly…I’m not comfortable playing matchmaker in the first place. If both parties are mature enough then great but if one of them will point fingers at me if their ‘thing’ doesn’t work out…well that would just be too weird and awkward. So, even if I know someone I wouldn’t want to get involved in playing cupid.

From a small survey I did yesterday on my Facebook profile, I found out most of my friends who are in a mix marriage basically have the will to help out if the opportunity is there, meaning if the ‘bule’ is available but what they doesn’t appreciate is the nagging to find one. One girl replied that some of her friends went so far to give her deadlines of when to find Mr. Perfect White Guys for them with specific characteristics. Now, isn’t that something?

If you’re Indonesian and married to a white guy, have you ever get asked the same request? How did you handle it? If you’re not Indonesian, how do you feel about such request?

*bule = Indonesian slang for white skin

21 Comments
Filed Under: Musings

7 Things You’ll Face After Moving to Your Husband’s Country

8 Jul posted by
Wedding Reception

After your dream wedding, you’re now officially Mrs. Someone. Your new life as a couple will start in a foreign country if you decided to follow your husband, which is usually the case.

There are many many adjustments we – the Indonesian wives have to deal with and here are just some fun list of things that you might face after you got married and supposedly moved to your husband’s foreign country:

  • People will stare at you less: Ehm…remember those annoying stares you used to get in Jakarta (or Indonesia in general)? Well, the natives in your husband’s country won’t stare at you from head to toes – at least maybe not as obvious as Indonesian does.
  • Housewife chores: Yes, my dear…chances are maids or domestic helpers will be way too expensive unlike back home in Indonesia. Get used to cleaning, cooking and doing everything independently!
  • When strangers approached and tell you “Nice, shoes!” or “Pretty dress!” they actually genuinely meant the compliment so take it and stop getting suspicious! You’re not in Jakarta where I’d question if that person have any hidden agenda or trying to hypnotize me.
  • Snows are pretty. First time in the snow? Don’t worry about your spouse making fun of how you walk…since there is no snow in Indonesia. Bundle up…and Chapstick is your best friend!
  • You will crave Indonesian foods and if your spouse can’t stomach too much of them, chances are you will be sneaking to cook it while he’s at work and raised your shoulder pretend not knowing why your whole house smells like terasi (shrimp paste) or better yet ikan asin (salty fish).  — thanks God I never have to do this but I heard stories from friends that they had to opened all windows so the smell evaporates!
  • Get used to people asking if you’re from the Philippines and some won’t even know where Indonesia is just tell them South East Asia, unless of course you have the time to explain that Indonesia is not in Bali.
  • If you are tiny itty bitty Indonesian lady, chances are you will find their clothing sizes too big but don’t worry they do have size 0!  If you’re not itty bitty like myself – consider yourself lucky! You’ll find clothes that fit you perfectly.
22 Comments
Filed Under: Mix Marriage

Sweetheart, I’m Not A Rich Bitch!

24 Feb posted by
juggling_mom

juggling_momLately I’ve been glorifying the magic of Facebook. Who knew I could reconnect with old long lost friends down from Kindergarten to College? Amazing huh?! Even on Friendster I didn’t connect to this many friends. Reunion(s) has been great and it sure is nice to stay in touch after all these years again.

However, things aren’t always as rosy as it seems. After two small ‘conversations’ with two different people from my past I was intrigued to write this.

First conversation:

X: “It’s just too difficult to go places with xx small kids *with complaining tones*
Me: “Do you have any nanny?”
X: “I have two, one for each kid. It must be so much easier for you, right?”
Me: Biting my tongue trying not to say “Sweetie, you called that hard with two nannies around 24/7?!!!!” then came up with an excuse that I have to go.

Second conversation:

Y: “So you’re rich now!”
Me: “What?”
Y: “Well, you married a bule*. You must have a great life like Ibu-ibu pejabat**”
Me: “Huh?” gulping for air at the shallow comment “No, my husband is not a millioner.”
Y: Insistently saying unnecessary comments about how easy my life now and how she still have to work her ‘behind’ off.

WOW! Surely those blows came when I least expected it. Well, these two are not my closest friends in the past and it’s been ages since the last time we met in persons so they might not fully know the kind of person I am today. But their comments can be categorized as one of the most common things mix marriage couples have to hear in Indonesia, among many discourteous ones out there.

Although these kinds of comments won’t stop me from feeling excited about seeing some of them while I’m still in Jakarta, I need to brace myself to hear more of these and better yet be prepared with a smart come back. Any ideas?

What amazed me the most is how much these people have no clue whatsoever that life doesn’t automatically become any easier just because you’re married to a white man. Knight in shinning armor? Nope! Doesn’t work that way in real life, sweetie! Being married to a ‘bule’ doesn’t mean all I do every single day is sitting prettily, adoring my well-manicured-weighed-down-by-golf-ball-size-diamonds-stuffed fingers.

Living in Indonesia where hiring hands are cheap and easily accessible, mothers can have a much easier life when they have a kid(s). Not to mention family helps but not out there, sweetheart! Surely not in the expensive country such as America where we, Indonesia women who happened to be married to an American have to adjust to the way of living. Maids, personal drivers, live-in nannies are only for those rich people.

“Being married to a bule means you have to learn to ‘membabu-buta***’” was an insider jokes that sometimes my fellow mix marriages friends shared with me. For those of you who can’t take a joke, let me make it clear that we do what we have to do for our own families, right? So yeah, being the driver, the chef, the housekeeper, the nanny comes with the territory of our status and personally, I enjoyed doing that although it is tiring at the end of the day (Standing ovation to my friends who have more than one kid!) Again, it’d be nice to have all the helps we can get like what’s available here but it does come with a personal satisfaction to do these things for the people you love.

The glamorous life that these people might perceive is so far fetched from reality. Impossible to change these kinds of images they painted themselves, guess I’ll just need to bring a pair of ear plugs when I meet them people and grow a thicker skin.

Note:

* bule = white guy

** Ibu-ibu pejabat = wives of important government officials

*** Membabu-buta = a slang term my friend and I came up with meaning we’re working hard like a maid.

2 Comments
Filed Under: Mix Marriage