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Walk At Your Own Risk!

25 Jan posted by

The early Monday news haunt me till this very minute.

9 innocent lives gone taken by one drunk, driver’s license-less and a meth head girl on Sunday morning in Jakarta.

Image from: Kompas

The driver and her 3 friends survived but those 9 lives are forever gone.

This has became a national headlines today and I feel sick down to my stomach.

Let me tell you, here, you ride the filthy public buses you’ll get groped by perverts, you ride the train you will get squeezed like sardines. You ride public mini-vans and you get raped! Now it’s not even safe to walk down the street? How sad has this city become is beyond me. This is just a daily part of commuting in Jakarta, a picture I took riding the all female train.

First of all, like I had blog before, sidewalks in Jakarta is pretty much nonexistent! They are either uneven, with dangerous pot holes, cracked or just pretty much occupied with those street vendors or covered with motorbikes trying to escape the congested traffic.

Now let’s talk about drivers courtesy in general here. Guess what, it’s pretty much nonexistent too.

As someone who doesn’t drive here, I’ve heard my father vented out about how rude people can get once they are behind the wheels here, be it two wheeled or four wheeled ones.

Road courtesy is nonexistent. Driver’s education? Nonexistent!

No wonder a lot of Indonesian drivers failed their tests if they attempt to get driver license abroad.

Do you even know how freaking easy it is to get a driver’s license here? Just bribe and voila! You can now drive and put everyone else’s lives at risk by having no ideas how to drive safely. The whole system is beyond broken and maybe that’s why I refused to drive here.

What pissed me and so many millions other Indonesians are the facts that this girl would only face 4 to 12 years in prison for what she did. Really? It’s a freaking DUI for God’s sakes. Is that how cheap the price of one’s life in my country? Among the victims were a 7 months pregnant lady. Killed with the baby inside! She went all Grand Theft Auto on these people and will just get a slap in the hand for it?!

This is so outrageous and make such a huge mockery out of our justice system. Personally, I think this girl should be handcuffed right away not tweeting and playing around with her Blackberry at the crime scene like shown on TV. From what I read, she had the time to locked her Twitter account just before she got arrested. There is no word to describe how disgusting that is. She should pay for what she did and spend the rest of her lives behind bars to think of those innocent lives taken by her stupidity!

So yeah, I guess in Jakarta walking now need to come with a warning label! Walk at your own risk.

What’s DUI laws are in your country? 

8 Comments
Filed Under: Jakarta Livin'

On Loneliness

15 Dec posted by
Alone

‘Tis the season to be merry…

Not lonely

Yet here I am, typing this with loneliness about to leak from the rim of my sanity.

Just when I thought I’ve already have so much to juggle, such a busy life as a single mom I can’t seem to shake these feelings off. Yes, I am surrounded with my big crazy loving family layered with lots of awesome friends – which I am so thankful for but there’s a suppressed feeling of loneliness that I’ve been shoving aside for ages.

And when it leaks, I am a hot mess!

After rebuilding my life all over again, I’ve been trying so damn hard to stay strong and independent, trying to create positive focuses in my life to lift the spirit. Infidelities really did some damaged on my part that honestly I’m still working on.

So yes, I feel loneliness chewing me inside.

Why Not Dating Again?

 
“You’re still young…there’s still plenty of chances out there for you. Plenty of fish in the sea!” one dear friend encouraged me when I lamented about my bleak dating history.

Plenty of fish in the sea alright! But not in this part of the sea.

Why?

Maybe because I am not like everyone else…well I know I’m not like everyone else but if you should ask me my ‘man-wish-list’ then without being racist or anything I would put Caucasian on my list.  For the past 14 years I haven’t date any Asian men. I did date Indonesian guys before but it didn’t work out, obviously.  Growing up surrounded by Caucasians and from liberal parents also being in the States for awhile, I think I’m more attracted to those who are open minded, self sufficient man who can appreciate an opinionated woman without fears of me stepping on their ego.  Maybe if I meet an Indonesian guy with these traits or have the same experience we’ll be compatible but I haven’t meet one so far. Hmm…I see a future post discussing more about why – maybe one day I will.

Young, nice bloke in Jakarta is a rare breed.

See now why it’s so difficult for me to date here?

Online dating? Meh! I tried that. Doesn’t work for me. I tried one dating service once and guess what all my ‘matches’ are not located anywhere near Jakarta.

I had unfortunately turned into a skeptic when it comes to long distance relationship.

Fighting It No More

 
After my last date – which dated back to six months ago, I decided to step back from the dating world. It’s really exhausting and I feel like my dating skills are rusting. From the ‘why didn’t he call?’ to the many other questions that left me felt too tired to play the field.

Yet at these times of the year when happy faces of whole families being plastered from Christmas cards to Christmasy ads, I can’t restrain these feelings.

I miss being with someone who can see me way pass my boobs size. Seriously, I guess I just miss the companionship of being in a relationship. That’s all and especially around the holidays times.

And I have come to a conclusion that it’s OK to feel this way. That it’s normal. That it just means I’m only human. I just can’t let these loneliness drag me down deeper than it already is. That I should instead enjoy the freedom of being single and continue working on myself first and foremost.

Even when I know I’m not ready for anything serious right now it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to hold my hand other than my 5 years old.

Are you a single mom? How do you deal with loneliness especially around Holidays?

Picture from Dreamstime.
16 Comments
Filed Under: Single Life

Why I Will Never Drive in Jakarta

12 Oct posted by

Watch this video from YouTube and you’d understand why I think I will never drive in Jakarta.

How bout a more serious look at it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I did learned eons ago – with stick nonetheless! Even got myself a driver’s license right after I finished my short driving course without a test or anything – yes people, that’s how we roll here. Money talks! BUT I failed my father’s high standards of defensive safety driving. It’s a long story but let’s just say that out of three kids my father have, only one passed his standard and deemed the one that has became his successor.

So, my driver’s license faced its slow death by hiding in my purse for about 5 years and I never get behind wheels again.

In the States, I don’t drive so yeah that was lame.

Back in Jakarta with these kinds of traffic, no matter how much I wish I can drive, I’m afraid it would end up ugly.

Sitting in the passenger seat alone is enough to make me all worked up seeing how crazy motorbikes are around Jakarta’s traffic. So I’m afraid if I’m driving I’d be so tempted to just run them all over.

In the past couple of weeks since I’m back to work and with my father returning to South Africa, I’ve been riding motorbikes with my youngest brother every morning. He would drop me off and I’d catch a taxi or hitch a ride with one of the guys from work.

As much as I’d like to think that I have a brave soul,  sitting on a motorbike makes me nervous now. Not so much because I worry that my brother is a lousy driver – no he’s very careful and doesn’t do the crazy zigzagging like the other drivers. I’m more nervous about the hundreds – if not millions – motorbikes who doesn’t seem to have brakes at all!

For example, my father’s car was hit by a motorbike so badly a couple of months ago when he tried to turn right into our housing complex while another car is making an exit turn left, so it was a blind spot. Out of the blue wham… a motorbike who never bother to hit the break smashed, ripped the back tire of the car and dent the left front door. In a city like Jakarta, no matter what happened, the car will always get blamed for.  Sucks big time!

My father was OK, the car not so much! Big huge dent on the left door, so big that we had to replace the whole door and got a new tire. The two people in the motorbike? They got minor scratches and ended up asking for money to go to the hospital. Insane? Yes!

Back to my daily rides with Danny – my brother -  I’m just scared he would get pissed and punch some careless driver like he did awhile back when he just started working. I could not possibly make this up. Actually I was laughing my ass off when I heard about what happened.

Someone stupidly cut right in front of him while  he had a blinker to turn left. Granted, the two motorbikes collided – not too bad I guess – but bad enough to make my brother left his motorbike and punch the other driver on the face.

Seriously I hate, hate, hate the traffic here. If there weren’t as many motorbikes as it is today, I would probably love driving around Jakarta.

8 Comments
Filed Under: Jakarta Livin'

Mini-Skirt Is Not An Invitation For Rapist

18 Sep posted by
dreamstimefree_102490

This is why I usually stay away from the news…

But there are times where the news knocked me down hard that I got all fired up and pissed-off is really an understatement. I felt sick to my stomach! The comment coming from our very own Jakarta’s Governor, Fauzi Bowo last Friday on his advise to women left me utterly disgusted.

“Wear sensible clothes, don’t wear ‘inviting’ clothes. You can imagine, if [a woman] wears short skirt and sits next to the driver, it could be ‘inviting’” – Fauzi Bowo

Deep breath…okay.

I was raised in a culture that pounded on girls to mind what we wear. To not draw attention to ourselves because we are girls. We the older generations were told to cover ourselves up. Back then, there is no way you would see teenage girls wondering around a mall wearing hot pants. Time has shifted obviously. Sometimes I roll my eyes seeing the things these young girls are wearing here in Jakarta because it wasn’t this way let’s say 15 years ago when I was younger but hey live evolves – or so it should.

But I never witness or experience us being taught about sexual harassment and the likes. We were never taught how to react if we are being sexually assaulted. It was all a hushed hushed kind of situation that no one really wants to talk about. Did parents taught their boys to be respectful to women? That there are boundaries not to be crossed when it comes to women? I honestly doubt it being Indonesia is pretty much a patriarchy kind of nation.

Growing up I heard my mother keep telling me “Watching a teenage girl is harder than watching a herd of sheep!” I used no never care about that nor did I understand until I became parent myself. Granted, I don’t have a daughter but it is a scary world out there these days.

Sexual education is still a big taboo here so we pretty much were left on our own. Never – draw – attention – to – yourselves – kind of doctrine. Now I remember why I always finds it uncomfortable to be a girl, a woman here. I remember walking through a slum of bus station in college to have guys calling me inappropriate names, made me hunched my back even more.

In high school I learned a lot about self defense because I was forced to do it. Taking three busses to and from school is HARD! You met all sorts of crazy nut jobs. Once, someone put his hand on my thigh under my school bag. This didn’t end well as I jumped out of my seat, pushed the jerk off of me until he fell on the floor, started yelling and cursing at that freak. I can’t tell you how many times I had to shove my elbow hard because some psychos tried to rub their penis on my shoulder. All these happened when I was in my Catholic high school uniform! Not in a friggin mini skirt! To protect myself back then, I started carrying a knife cutter in my school bag.

So dear Mr. Governor to have you made such comment not only made my blood boil. I do not wish anything bad happen to you but learn what COMPASSION really is about. Fix this damn city so it is safer for us women! You should totally be ashamed of yourself.

A woman can wear a tent for Pete’s sake and guys could still gang rape her if they want to! So that mini skirt comment is just way out of the line! To blame a rape victim because she wore a mini skirt does not only berated women, it’s like raping her all over again! Sexual harassment law should be more stringent and applicable here. Protect the women and give severe punishment to those who rape!

Seriously, I can’t tell you how many times I got so disgusted seeing the news about some rapist who just got sentenced 3 to 4 years while the poor woman have to live with the fact that she will be blamed for by the society for the rest of her life! The trauma alone cannot be rectifying by a few years behind bars.

Dear Mr. Governor, I know you have a daughter and God forbid she ever get rape and I do not wish that BUT how would you feel if it does? Then to hear people in power – such as yourself – telling her “You should never wear that mini skirt in the first place!”

And this is why women of Indonesia really are still living in the dark ages with this kind of Neanderthal way of thinking our Indonesian men – especially those in powers has.

Yes you apologize oh our holy Governor but you know what, the damaged has been done! You and that West Aceh district head asshole that once had made a similar remark about women and rape deserves to have karma bites your holy asses!

So ladies, rock your mini-skirts – or-whatever-it-is-you-want-to-wear – and be proud of yourself! Don’t let these twats dictate what we can or cannot wear!

Photo From: Dreams Time

9 Comments
Filed Under: Jakarta Livin'

Those Burning Questions

5 Sep posted by
Stop

As I had blogged before, here, in Indonesia divorce is still considered taboo, a bad thing, a failure in life.

The “Interviews”

Ever since I went public with new status of being separated and now a divorcee, I knew I would be facing oh so many questions from everyone. What I learned is people do react in different ways. Some were sincere, some were not so much and my skin has definitely grown thicker now than when it first started. The hardest ‘interview’ usually comes from my relatives. You know the elder uncles, aunties, grandmas and grandpas. Sometimes, I just sat there half deafening my ears and counting hearing their lectures because it would be impolite – yes, that’s Indonesian cultures – to talked back or to argue with the elders. I’d like to think that I had handled myself pretty well at work and now my colleagues  had accepted me for who I am – as a divorcee and all. They had seen me, the real person behind this so called scarlet letter.

At first I reacted quite defensively to the nosey questions strangers/friends asked me but now that I’m in full acceptance of the end of my marriage, I usually just completely ignore these questions.

Right after I left Mr. X – I deactivated my personal Facebook profile – I got much bigger craps to deal with. My ‘disappearance’ caused a lot of questions and speculations between some of my acquaintances. Luckily enough, my band of girls stood by my side and fends off questions from others about me. “Go ask her yourself!” were their magic words. Thanks, chikas!

Since the day I changed my status on Facebook last year I was bombarded with messages from supportive kinds to you know, the nosey-wanna-know-the-dirt kinds. Usually I never bother replying to old friends who were on my Facebook just because we went to the same schools – wait, maybe it’s time to do some contacts cleaning up? Yeah, maybe!

But yes there are moments where I can’t put my cool hat on, like last weekend when out of the blue an old classmate shoot me a message asking if I’m really now a single mom. Mind you this person and I barely talked, barely communicate, last time we met was in my High School reunion over 2 years ago where Mr. X and Lil’ A made a cameo appearance when they picked me up. So I don’t really owe this person any explanation because I knew it would lead into more questions but I tried to be polite and replied with a simple “Yes – *insert smiley face here*”. She quickly replied – and like I predicted – armed with more questions but the second one was “Then who have your son?” WTF?!

Stop Blaming


Okay, maybe the concept of co-parenting is not as widely understand by people here because it is ‘commonly’ accepted for the ex-husbands to just walk away being a deadbeat fathers. There is no enforceable ways to collect child support as they do back in the States. Child custody here mostly falls on the mother unless of course the father balked at the court like what happened with one celebrity couple here. Maybe I’ll write more about this in other post(s) later on.

This time I’m not going to reply and follow through the patterns because I bet this person have a mile long questions up her sleeves and in all seriousness, I’m too lazy to deal with that.

Also, here in Indonesia whenever divorce happens, sadly society places the blame on us women. “You didn’t treat him like the way he should be treated.” down to “Maybe if you took better care of yourself and not letting yourself get this fat he would’ve stayed”. These are usually the instant responses and remarks coming from relatives. Painful?! You can bet your ass it is.

Like I discussed with one of my Twitter friend Juinita yesterday after I saw her twitting about Abuse and Indonesian women, I told them sadly plenty of women here would rather stick to their abusive – be it physically or mentally husbands just so they don’t lose their face in society! Just so they don’t have to bear the title of being single mother. We both recognized and agreed that it is the culture to blame us women if our marriages crashed and burnt.

If only this customs, traditions or values could be change…then life for single parents would be so much better in Indonesia. If a woman has enough courage to walk out of her marriage, we need to support her instead of stoning her like in the dark ages!

Throughout this whole ongoing journey of rebuilding my life I have come to understand that those whose stand by your side even through the darkest of times really are your true friends.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.  ~Henri Nouwen

Going through divorce, did you face a lot of questioning from your friends/families? If you did, how did you handle it?

5 Comments
Filed Under: Divorce, Single Mommyhood

Desperate Housewives VS The Single Mom

18 Aug posted by
shocked-women

Who knew Kindergarten zone can literally looks like High School arena but this times, instead of the Popular Girls VS the Plain Janes…it’s the Socialite Wannabe Moms VS the Single Mom(s).

New school means new territory not just for the boy but also his Mommy. Boy learns to socialize which is great and I got to see how different socializing with other moms in school can get.

Thus the High School feelings…

The first time I ‘mingle’ with the other parents in school I bet they think I was one of the many nannies/maids waiting outside the school because I was in jeans + shirt, hair pulled up, not much make-ups, fanning myself because it was super hot outside while these flawless looking moms sports a perfect do with fake lashes that will make any drag queen feels ashamed! Some of the mothers I saw in school were… how can I put it mildly without being torch down…very upscale, very posh!  Don’t even let me get started on the nasty looking hair extensions!

The second time was during the parents’ orientation. I have met a nice lady – who looks normal. Normal as in not over the top, doesn’t look like a living breathing walking billboard for designer brands. After that meeting, I was asked to join the parents group on Blackberry. Hesitantly, I gave this lady my Blackberry PIN so she can invite me to the group.

Not only that, I was asked to join the mom’s Arisan (loosely translated – a social gathering where all members collect & pool certain amount of money then later a draw will be taken and someone will win the ‘lottery’). Which I politely declined because other than the obvious, it’s just not my style.

Working full time, I have almost little to none time to socialize. I barely even have time to catch up with my girlfriends lately let alone spending an afternoon doing Arisan? Just not my cup of joe.

Seeing my boy, they know he’s a product of a mix marriage. I don’t disclose my status to any of them – the school knows of course – but I don’t just say “Hey, I’m Maureen. Nice to meet you. Btw, I’m a single mom!” to the other moms.

My status was finally being brought out from one incident…

Lebaran (Eid-ul Fitri) is coming at the end of this month. It is a custom in Indonesia to give our THR (loosely translated: holiday bonus). Employees at work get them (accordingly based on their religious beliefs), domestic helpers get one, and so on…it’s usually equal to one month’s salary.

This month I have to prepare the THR for my nanny despite the fact that I will be out of work for a whole month – starting the end of this month, not having any income. Financially, I am struggling to make ends meets! Life isn’t glamorous for this single mama!

So after I politely declined to participate in collecting THR money for the school and I’m still being called out for, is just outrageous and I have the rights to be pissed!

Listen, ladies…don’t bother put “v-o-l-u-n-t-a-r-i-l-y” on your letter if you are bound to talk about me behind my back because I chose not to participate! Don’t tell me that I should afford Rp. 25,000!

Oh I can already see them sitting in their high thrones and say something like this “Jeng, jeng…tau nggak sih mamanya A. Masak sih suaminya/mantannya bule kok bayar THR aja nggak sanggup?” (Ladies, do you know A’s mom. How can she not afford THR when her husband/ex husband is a white guy?)

Then to use sarcasm status on your Blackberry Messenger is so tacky! If you don’t like me…here’s an invitation to openly say it to my face!

I finally drop the “I’m a single mom” card – which I hate using because it makes me feel like I’m looking for a pity excuse from them.

I strongly believe that my son have his own blessings, I am a living proof that God is a good provider but manna doesn’t fall from the sky for me! Had to bust my ass working hard to be the sole bread winner. Just because the ex husband is a white guy it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to work and he provides us with lots of cash! It’s the opposite… I proudly say that I have managed to come this far with very little child support from Mr. X – that barely covers for school – oh and by the way he was out of work for months so I had to foot the bills!

Managing a tight budget is not easy but someone’s gotta do it to keep this ship running. I can do without lots of things in my life as long as I can provide for my boy.

So dear Desperate Housewives Socialite Wannabe of Jakarta….before you gossip about me. Try to walk a mile in my shoes, will you? Not everyone can sit on their asses and gossips all day, not everyone has money like they grow on trees! Some people, like single moms have to do what a unite family must do ALONE! Have you ever heard of the famous quote from Plato: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Try to digest that a little.

Luckily, not all these moms are like them gossip queens. Last night one of the moms actually came to my rescue because I had no idea the school sell a t-shirt for our kiddos and they suppose to wear one for their Field Trip today! Fail Mom moment for sure! A lady, kindly offered to bring an extra t-shirt she have for my boy. This gesture really was so sweet and touched my heart! Thank you!

There bitches, go and talk till you are blue in the face. I’m done!

6 Comments
Filed Under: Musings, Single Mommyhood
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