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A New Beginning

1 Jan posted by

A new beginning…

Start afresh.
Creative Commons License photo credit: VinothChandar

2011 has been eventful in my life with ups and downs so I’m trying to welcome 2012 and treat it like a clean slate.

First day of 2012 has been wet here in Jakarta, with the rain pouring down since early morning through pretty much all day and the gloominess weighing down. I see it as the rain of blessings. Did you know the Chinese people strongly believe that  rain on New Year’s Day will bring prosperity?

Start out fresh…without a long list of resolutions because as much as I love making a list I’m a sucker for New Year’s resolution. Maybe going with a mental list is better than writing it all down to leave evidence of how I didn’t follow through, right?

New year means I’m getting closer to hit 33. Yikes! OK, let’s not go there.

I’m hoping and trying and working damn hard to leave my baggage behind and welcoming the New Year with wide open arms. Carrying these bags for far too long, it is now my time to break free from it all. To fall in love with myself again and living life to the fullest.

Traveling more is definitely on my list. There are so many beautiful places to discover in Indonesia so I’m up for it.

This year I’m starting fresh with plunging myself to give NaBloPoMo a try. Not sure what that is? It’s basically a writing challenge to blog every day for a whole month. I’ve seen this being tweeted around and thought I’d give it a try.  So wish me luck!

NaBloPoMo January 2012

Happy New Year, guys! Do you usually make New Year Resolutions? What’s your hopes and dreams for the New Year?

11 Comments
Filed Under: Jakarta Livin'

2011 In A Flashback

28 Dec posted by

The writing prompt from Mama Kat’s this week is just too good to pass. What better ways to get ready for the new year than taking a little flash back to see what happened in 2011 on my blog who has been in near comatose moments because juggling a full time job and single motherhood is just not easy.

Let’s get started, shall we?

1. January:

Last January was a huge milestone for my boy. He started preschool! I had mixed feelings about this. One part of me is quite sad to let him go into the world – albeit it’s just a preschool but he never been to one before so it’s a huge steps for all of us. One part of me is excited for him to see him learning new things and making friends.

2. February:

Read above, and see why my blog was in comatose? I didn’t post a single darn thing for the entire month.

3. March:

By the end of March my brothers and my son went to Bangkok to cash in on that Photo Contest winning prize that I won back in late 2010. It was one of the best vacations I ever had. Not only because we went there for free but from being treated like a star at The Holiday Inn Bangkok. It was purely one vacay I will never forget.

Walking Down The Steps

4. April:

After my marriage ended and seeing how so many marriages especially ones that involves a Western man fell to pieces while they are living and working in Indonesia, I just can’t help but pouring my thoughts into the ‘Why’s  and I love the feedbacks I’m getting from friends who is in a mix marriage and others who had went through divorce.

5. May:

With my crazy work load back then, I only managed to pushed one post out and it was a V-log. Yes, my first ever video blog.

6. June:

This was a hard month for all of my family. We lost my mother’s sister to breast cancer then followed by the passing of my Grandmother just three days later.

7. July:

My favorite post has to be the one where I wrote about the hardship and joy of flying solo as a single mom.

8. August:

Being a single mom is not easy and sometimes people just need to be reminded of what not to ask us single moms. This post might be very handy for Indonesian people who can be pretty nosy.

9. September:

Hitting the publish button was so hard for this one post. Waves of pain swept over me as I typed how I faced my final curtains but the fear of writing about something so very personal was quickly changed into relief – as if I am letting go of my anger. The outpouring supports I got truly lift up my spirit so thank you my dearest friends who read and commented. This post was picked by Fadra from All Things Fadra for her Top 20 Blogmas Posts to Make You Feel. Thanks Fadra!

I cheated, I have to favorite post this month, it was actually from Mama Kat’s writing prompts: Where I’m From.

10. October:

After one reader’s comment on my post about misconceptions about secretaries , I had some doubtful moments about my writing and asked how to handle criticism. Blogging in a language that is not my native language has been more comfortable for me but it is a learning process. If I were to read my ancient diaries written in English, I’m sure I would cringe from the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.

11. November:

My post to celebrate The World Moms Blog first anniversary was a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. The same reasons why I came up with my tagline Scoops From Two Cultures, One Heart.

12. December:

My son turned 5 years old on December 7, 2011. I reflect back on what a joy having a son really is about.

In welcoming 2012, what are your favorite posts from 2011? Why don’t you join this week’s writing prompts over at Mama Kat’s

39 Comments
Filed Under: Musings

On Loneliness

15 Dec posted by
Alone

‘Tis the season to be merry…

Not lonely

Yet here I am, typing this with loneliness about to leak from the rim of my sanity.

Just when I thought I’ve already have so much to juggle, such a busy life as a single mom I can’t seem to shake these feelings off. Yes, I am surrounded with my big crazy loving family layered with lots of awesome friends – which I am so thankful for but there’s a suppressed feeling of loneliness that I’ve been shoving aside for ages.

And when it leaks, I am a hot mess!

After rebuilding my life all over again, I’ve been trying so damn hard to stay strong and independent, trying to create positive focuses in my life to lift the spirit. Infidelities really did some damaged on my part that honestly I’m still working on.

So yes, I feel loneliness chewing me inside.

Why Not Dating Again?

 
“You’re still young…there’s still plenty of chances out there for you. Plenty of fish in the sea!” one dear friend encouraged me when I lamented about my bleak dating history.

Plenty of fish in the sea alright! But not in this part of the sea.

Why?

Maybe because I am not like everyone else…well I know I’m not like everyone else but if you should ask me my ‘man-wish-list’ then without being racist or anything I would put Caucasian on my list.  For the past 14 years I haven’t date any Asian men. I did date Indonesian guys before but it didn’t work out, obviously.  Growing up surrounded by Caucasians and from liberal parents also being in the States for awhile, I think I’m more attracted to those who are open minded, self sufficient man who can appreciate an opinionated woman without fears of me stepping on their ego.  Maybe if I meet an Indonesian guy with these traits or have the same experience we’ll be compatible but I haven’t meet one so far. Hmm…I see a future post discussing more about why – maybe one day I will.

Young, nice bloke in Jakarta is a rare breed.

See now why it’s so difficult for me to date here?

Online dating? Meh! I tried that. Doesn’t work for me. I tried one dating service once and guess what all my ‘matches’ are not located anywhere near Jakarta.

I had unfortunately turned into a skeptic when it comes to long distance relationship.

Fighting It No More

 
After my last date – which dated back to six months ago, I decided to step back from the dating world. It’s really exhausting and I feel like my dating skills are rusting. From the ‘why didn’t he call?’ to the many other questions that left me felt too tired to play the field.

Yet at these times of the year when happy faces of whole families being plastered from Christmas cards to Christmasy ads, I can’t restrain these feelings.

I miss being with someone who can see me way pass my boobs size. Seriously, I guess I just miss the companionship of being in a relationship. That’s all and especially around the holidays times.

And I have come to a conclusion that it’s OK to feel this way. That it’s normal. That it just means I’m only human. I just can’t let these loneliness drag me down deeper than it already is. That I should instead enjoy the freedom of being single and continue working on myself first and foremost.

Even when I know I’m not ready for anything serious right now it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to hold my hand other than my 5 years old.

Are you a single mom? How do you deal with loneliness especially around Holidays?

Picture from Dreamstime.
16 Comments
Filed Under: Single Life

Thank Heaven For Little Boy

9 Dec posted by
Sleeping Child

My dear dear boy,

Watching you sleep oh so peacefully tonight makes me heart swollen with a love that is bigger than anything I ever known.

I slowly touched your open hand and you clasp my finger tightly as tight as you hold my heart.

Your hair is getting longer and the curls starts to show up again. No matter how unruly they get and how much you hate when Mommy force you to brush those locks, I miss seeing their almost Sherly Temple lookalike curls.

Those legs no longer pack the once yummylicious baby lumps. They are now long, lean and skinny.

Your cheeks have no more chubbiness yet I can still bite on them playfully and kiss them a million times.

The way you say your “Night Night Prayer” out of memory always make me feel so grateful for this greatest gift in my life.

Your cheekiness always warms even the crappiest day of this mother’s day.  “Clown of the classroom” is what your teachers told me.  The classroom is too quiet without you they said.

Amazing how smart you really are behind all your goofing around – that sometimes frustrate me when we’re doing your homework. I’m biased of course and allowed to be since I am your mother!  You’d surprise me by reading “Ben” on TV while I sat there next to you trying so hard to make you read the 3 letters practice book from school.

Your abrupt out of nowhere “Aku sayang Mommy!” (I love Mommy) managed to wipe my tiredness away after a crazy day at the office.

The never ending curiosity you shows daily. From asking what a word means in English or in Indonesian to asking why an engine failed when we watch Air Crash Investigation show on NatGeo – to which I asked you to save that question for Daddy when you’re with him.

I know your questioning will only get longer as you get older and can I freak out now?

Oh what about the way you ‘attack’ Mommy because you want to play roughhousing or just want to tickle me then planted a big giant kiss? No matter how badly my bones are cracking I.love.it!

The concerned look on your face when I tell you Mommy’s not going to work followed by “Will your boss be angry, Mommy?” makes me want to squeeze you tightly so you don’t have to worry too much.

Behind your cheerful happy go lucky self I know there’s an old soul hidden. A soul that is very sensitive. How I wish I could take back that one time right after your Opa (Grandpa) just got home from the hospital and you were just trying to see him closely but your tired Mommy snapped at you panicking you would bump into his bandaged foot. To see you sat there on the stairs with tears silently running down your face broke my heart. You cried in Mommy’s arms and said “Nggak mau Opanya sakit!” (I don’t want Grandpa to be sick). Oh baby….I’m so sorry.

Your stubbornness is quite scary as I see so much of myself in you when that side appears.  Sometimes with raised eyebrows I’d asked you “Whose child is this, anyway?” and behind your little smirk you’d say “Anak Mommy!” (Mommy’s child).

I’m still amazed by how you laid out your own rules when it comes to the languages you speak. When you’re home with everyone else you demanded to only speak in Indonesian including to me but when we’re upstairs ready for bed you’d whisper “Mommy, when we’re in our room then we can talk in English.”

Yes, there are moments where you just drive your mother crazy but I think all mother feels that way, right?

Watching you growing up to be a little person that you are today never cease to amaze me. Thank you for showing your Mommy what true love really is all about.  Thank you for teaching me to relax and let loose and be silly, to live in the moment to stop worrying too much and just have faith.

I have so many wishes for you my son, it’s wrapped in prayers and being lifted to heaven.

Happy Birthday Alexander. Mommy love you to the moon and back!

12 Comments
Filed Under: Single Mommyhood, Toddlerhood

Faith, Hope & Love

6 Dec posted by
Moments Captured

 When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world.  - Zig Ziglar

Faith is holding your father’s hand before his surgery and telling him with all self-assurance you can muster that everything will be alright. Faith believes that God is good at all times even when life seems at its bleakest moment.

Hope is like the never ending hugs and kisses coming from that little person that is your child, the sky may darken but hope prevails and sun will finally shines again. Hope believes that good things will come your way that your sweats and tears will be paid off tenth folds.

Love is people whom you never met in persons yet manage to say prayers for your family in times of troubles. Love is a family that sticks together no matter what.

I’m linking up with Alison from Mama Wants This and Galit from These Little Waves for their brilliant Moments Captured. Come join the fun.

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21 Comments
Filed Under: Photoblog

We Are Sticking Together!

2 Dec posted by

Looking back, this year I had spent so much times in hospitals.

Well, we all had…

 

More than the last few years combine.

In brutal honesty, part of me wish this would stop. No more hospitals please, Lord. It’s too stressful, mentally draining and physically exhausting.

Yet here I am, sitting by the window facing a mall and an Ocean Park with my mother lays in hospital bed to my left.

She’s been hospitalized since 29th November from breathing problems. Results shows her lungs were half covered with fluids.

My father was just released from the hospital a couple of weeks prior and currently still doing outpatient treatment daily.  My mother has been his ‘nurse’ at home so to have both parents ill really is hard for all of us the children.

Intensive Care Units’ Waiting Room really is one of the most depressing place to be.  There’s just  so much sadness and grief hanging in the air. There used to be an invisible bonds between families who stayed at these waiting rooms while their loved ones are battling their serious illness.

I first experienced this years ago as I spent so many nights for my Grandfather in the hospital.

Things are changing…

Actually, I just realized this when my father was hospitalized. There are more maids even hired caretakers than immediate families.

Yes, I understand everyone is busy in the big city. Time is money. Deadlines to catch, etc…etc…

Not for us!

Both my brothers are working full time and so am I but we managed to stretch our times to be with our parents. Even if the three of us have to take turns spending the night at the hospital.  Even if that means we had to sleep on a thin creaky beds that hurt our backs. We rushed to the hospital after work. We take turns staying in the hospital during the days too.

Of course like many families here in Jakarta, we have helpers at home. We could easily ask them to come and watch our parents in the hospital while we sleep in our comfy beds at home. So why not, then? It just doesn’t feels right. That’s just not in our family’s cultures I guess. None of our parents asked us to stay, sometimes they even try to shoo us out.

Our parents must’ve raised us good. They instilled in us from early on and by living the message that families stick together.

So to hear other’s criticizing me or my brothers for spending so much times in the hospital deserves some bitch slaps, hard!

Work is important especially when you’re a single mom – I’ll be the first to admit that. But still, family comes first and in times like this sometimes you have no other choice but being by the sides of the people you love. And that my friends, is what I’m doing.

This family has been through so much this year yet we are surviving  it all together. Tears filled coated with many of laughter wrapped up in an ever growing faith that God will let us sail through whatever it is life throw at us. We are together!

And that’s what matters most…

9 Comments
Filed Under: Health
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